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Expertise helps only when partners keep learning about each other’s uniqueness.

The highest knowledge integrates intuition and intellect.

Romantic flourishing depends on bringing out the best in each other.

Intuitive attitudes often predict marital outcomes better than deliberate ones.

The term “expert” usually carries highly positive connotations—someone exceptionally skilled and knowledgeable. But is such expertise always beneficial in romantic relationships? Should you marry a romantic expert?

“An expert knows how to make love in 748 different ways, but doesn’t know any women.” –Unknown

“An expert knows how to make love in 748 different ways, but doesn’t know any women.” –Unknown

Baruch Spinoza distinguishes three levels of knowledge:

Emotional–intuitive knowledge, based on the senses and imagination—often confused and unreliable.

Intellectual deliberative knowledge, grounded in universal notions—true in principle, yet often incomplete in practice.

Intuitive reasoning, the highest level of knowledge, which integrates emotion and intellect, culminating in what Spinoza calls the “intellectual love of God” (1677).

Expert knowledge belongs to this third level. Although experts often reach conclusions intuitively, their intuition rests on deep, long-term learning. Medical or wine experts develop perceptual sensitivity that enables rapid, nondeliberative judgments. Emotional intelligence functions similarly, blending trained intuition with reflective understanding (Ben-Ze’ev & Kerbs, 2024).

Moral expertise follows the same pattern. Virtuous individuals are more attuned to moral nuances and less tempted by wrongdoing. Their behavior reflects internalized values rather than constant deliberation. Moral education, therefore, should cultivate intuitive moral sensitivity (Ben-Ze’ev, 2000).

Intuition and Deliberation in Romantic Abundance

"I'm an expert at kissing girls' necks, they love it. Girls say I'm quite sensitive but I'm hyperactive too." –Lee Ryan

"I'm an expert at kissing girls' necks, they love it. Girls say I'm quite sensitive but I'm hyperactive too." –Lee Ryan

Deliberative thinking is valuable but slow. In a world saturated with romantic options, it often becomes inefficient, pushing us toward deliberative thinking. A longitudinal study of newlyweds indeed found that automatic, intuitive attitudes predicted marital satisfaction better than deliberate evaluations (McNulty et al., 2013).

Yet relying too heavily on intuition is risky. Intuitions rely on cognitive templates—some widely shared, others deeply personal—thereby generating potential misunderstandings. A balanced approach requires combining intuition with intellectual deliberation. One promising strategy is developing an intuitive skeptical capacity that helps reduce erroneous snap judgments (Sunday, 2023). Another involves intuitive optimism followed by reflective realism (Sjåstad & Baumeister, 2023; Baumeister, et al. 2024), a pattern often evident in love at first sight.

Despite the heart’s central role in romantic relationships, we are not natural experts in matters of love. Intuition often overemphasizes superficial traits, such as physical attractiveness, while underestimating deeper qualities like kindness and wisdom. Unlike wine experts, who assess relatively stable objects, romantic partners must anticipate change—shifts in personality, circumstances, and needs. Romantic expertise, therefore, requires ongoing, dynamic, intuitive reasoning.

Why Relationships Matter

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Sexual Experts vs. Intimacy Experts

“I had incredible sex with my lover-to-be, but far from natural, it felt staged—like perfectly executed porn where he was the superstar. I got the impression from our many hours of lovemaking that the duration mattered mainly for his personal record. I felt he did not truly see or hear me; he acted mechanically and calculatedly.” –A divorcée

“I had incredible sex with my lover-to-be, but far from natural, it felt staged—like perfectly executed porn where he was the superstar. I got the impression from our many hours of lovemaking that the duration mattered mainly for his personal record. I felt he did not truly see or hear me; he acted mechanically and calculatedly.” –A divorcée

Romantic expertise commonly appears in two forms:

Sexual expertise: A set of learned and improvable skills. Difficult to fake yet relatively easier to acquire through practice.

Intimacy expertise: A personal orientation toward closeness, vulnerability, and shared meaning with a specific person. Easier to simulate initially but far more difficult to sustain over time.

In enduring relationships, intimacy typically outweighs technical sexual performance. High scores in nonrelational traits—wealth, beauty, intelligence—do not guarantee love. Over time, people consistently prioritize relational qualities such as kindness, responsiveness, and trustworthiness (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019; Eastwick & Hunt, 2014).

Bringing Out the Best in Each Other

Romantic life involves a constant tension between the intuitive heart and the reflective head. The heart tends to focus on the present; the head is better equipped to anticipate the future. Profound love requires harmony between partners—a fit determined not by abstract excellence but by mutual specific compatibility and shared investment.

The ideal partner is not the “best” person in general terms but the one who is best for you: compatible, responsive, and committed. Flourishing love is grounded in bringing out the best in each other—not in comparison or competition.

“You must continue to gain expertise but avoid thinking like an expert.”—Denis Waitley

“You must continue to gain expertise but avoid thinking like an expert.”—Denis Waitley

Having a partner who is a sexual or intimacy expert entails a subtle risk: Expertise may overshadow attentiveness to the uniqueness of the actual partner. Feeling like an expert can also diminish curiosity, enthusiasm, and openness over time.

The Aristotelian solution is moderation. Use your knowledge—but with restraint. Do not analyze your partner as though they were a clinical case. Approach them as a unique individual who requires attention, closeness, and shared experiences that nurture deep love.

Ultimately, sexual or intimacy expertise is valuable only if both partners remain students of each other—continuously learning, adjusting, and growing together.

Baumeister, R. F., et al. (2024). Pragmatic prospection: Theory, research, and practice. In Advances in Motivation Science (Vol. 11, pp. 1-38). Elsevier.

Ben-Ze’ev, A. (2000). The Subtlety of Emotions. MIT Press.

Ben-Ze’ev, A. & Krebs, A. (2024). Love and Time: Is Love Best When it is Fresh? In C. Grau & A. Smuts (eds.), Oxford Handbook of Philosophy of Love. Oxford University Press, 222–247.

Eastwick, P. W., & Hunt, L. L. (2014). Relational mate value: Consensus and uniqueness in romantic evaluations. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 106, 728–151.

McNulty, J. K., et al. (2013). Though they may be unaware, newlyweds implicitly know whether their marriage will be satisfying. Science, 342 (6162), 1119–1120.

Sjåstad, H., & Baumeister, R. F. (2023). Fast optimism, slow realism? Causal evidence for a two-step model of future thinking. Cognition, 236, 105447.

Spinoza, B. (1677/1985). Ethics. In E. Curley (ed.), The Collected Works of Spinoza. Princeton University Press.

Sunday G. S. (2023). Intuitive skill. Philosophia, 51, 1677-1700.

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