"I love you much too much, I've known it from the start, but yet my love is such, I can't control my heart" —Alma Cogan
Being in love, and the sex and intimacy that accompanies it, is a valuable experience. But is it possible to love too much? How would our partner react if we said they were coming on too strong?
Can We Love Too Much?
“Too much love drives a man insane, you broke my will, but what a thrill.” Jerry Lee Lewis
Loving too much is different from loving too many people, falling in love too often, or loving too deeply. Loving too much is when love disturbs a subtle balance in our romantic relationships. Often, it is when one or both partners cannot function and flourish as a result.
We can distinguish between romantic intensity, a snapshot of a momentary peak of passionate, often sexual, desire, and romantic profundity, which refers to the lover’s broader and more enduring behavior and attitudes. External changes are highly significant in generating romantic intensity, whereas to create romantic depth, familiarity, stability, and development are tremendously important. While romantic novelty is useful in preventing boredom, romantic familiarity is valuable in promoting flourishing (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019).
Just as we would not fault an author for writing a too profound book, we would not criticize a lover for loving too profoundly. However, if such profundity leads us to neglect other valuable activities, then we may say that it is “overly” profound. It is the lack of balance, which often violates the lover’s or the beloved’s autonomy, rather than the excess of profundity, that is the problem. An extreme example is the case of murderous husbands who claim they killed their wives who tried to leave them because they “loved them too much.” This demonstrates the distorted nature of the phenomenon. Murder is not genuine love; rather, it is a pathological behavior violating autonomy (Ben-Ze’ev & Goussinsky, 2008; and here).
Union is idealized in romantic love, yet spending too much time with our beloved may diminish our feelings. Some distance, providing greater personal space, is important for romantic flourishing. Thus, while significant geographical and temporal distance may be damaging for a relationship, a more limited distance can be beneficial. As Roger de Rabutin said, “Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.”
Indeed, studies indicate........