I was happy to see a New York Times story recently saying we tennis players live 10 years longer than people playing no sports and six years longer than joggers or cyclists.

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Hopefully, that will make up for other new studies showing I will live about four years less because I spend too much time sitting at my desk and watching TV.

Also that I will lose another two years because I don’t own a dog, according to a Swedish study.

Every month, there are countless new studies declaring how we can lengthen or shorten our lives by doing, or not doing, something or other.

For instance: I don’t drink enough water for our new waterlogged society where “hydration” is the buzzword of the year and people under 30 all carry humongous water bottles, like camels.

Recent U.S. health department studies show that regular dehydration can cut four years off my life.

That said, I do drink lots of coffee, and several new studies show this can add five years to my life and seriously slash my risk of dementia, if I just remember to drink it.

On the downside, lots of coffee can keep me up at night and increase my insomnia, so deduct two years.

Numerous studies come out each month warning what we should and shouldn’t eat. I can subtract four years from my life expectancy because I don’t eat the recommended number of fruits and vegetables a day — apart from french fries.

I also don’t eat asparagus, mushrooms, pomegranates or sea grapes — all associated with longevity in Tufts University studies.

I’m not a vegetarian, so deduct three years, though I am a chocolatarian (add 150,000 lifetime calories).

More bad news: According to a Michigan study, every beef hot dog we eat takes 36 minutes off our lifetime, so given my diet in my 20s, it’s amazing I lived past 30.

Freed: It’s snowplowing night, so it’s time to park and pray

Freed: My mother-in-law had a PhD in life and a professorship in the human heart

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Some recent studies show that eating cheese may increase longevity and reduce dementia. That could be good news for me, but only if Cheez Whiz counts.

Then there’s “demon liquor.” Drinking red wine was long thought to be good for you, but now it’s bad, especially in Canada where guidelines suggest two glasses a week is the upper limit for good health.

It’s safer to live in Estonia, where government health guidelines have recommended up to four glasses a day. So I suggest you do all your drinking there.

Alas, I don’t own a cat, which can add three years to your life because petting and purring calm blood pressure. (Deduct three years).

I do own a bird, but apparently that can take two years off your life from inhaling bird fluff, according to European studies. So my bird may mean R.I.P. for me.

As a Canadian male, statistically speaking, I’m expected to live 10 years longer (till 83) than the average Latvian man (73), and five more than Americans simply because I live here.

No wonder Trump wants our country: He’s out to steal our longevity.

My biological markers are mixed. I have low blood pressure, so add five years. However, I’ve almost always been bald, which is linked to an 80-per-cent increase in coronaries, according to a Harvard study. (Deduct three years.)

Exercise? I rarely walk the 8,000 steps a day recommended in our survival-of-the-fittest society. But I do fidget a lot, which also burns calories and counts as exercise, according to British studies. (Add one year.)

As well, a Yale study just found that reading 30 minutes a day can add two years to your life by calming you. Since I read an hour a day, could that add another four years?

Then there’s having a “bone-crushing” handshake, which supposedly indicates you will live four years longer than those with a “dead fish” handshake. So I’m practising my grip because according to the study, my normal handshake barely adds a weekend.

As for family factors, I have only one child, not two or three, which would lower my chances of heart disease by two years, according to Swedish studies.

However, it’s apparently even better to have several daughters, since each helps you live 74 weeks longer — at least in Poland, where that study was done at Jagiellonian University.

Happily, I’ve always been an optimist, which adds between four and seven years, so optimistically speaking, let’s make that seven.

Also, I’ve never smoked: Add 10 more years!

But ultimately, who knows? Many things that are found to be good for you instantly attract more studies, which often prove them to be bad for you (like wine) or vice versa (eggs).

For every study, there’s eventually an equal and opposite one. But the studies keep pouring out and changing, so we’ll see.

For now, when I add up my numbers, the good news is I will live 42 more years than average because of my healthy habits. So as a Canadian male, I should live to 125.

The bad news? When I add up my unhealthy habits, I will live 54 fewer years than the average Canadian man.

So it looks like I will die at 29.

joshfreed49@gmail.com

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