That’s it! Christmas and New Year are over. The tree has been returned to the attic, your relatives have returned from whence they came, and their presents have been returned to the Oxfam shop. All that remains is the desperation with which we now cling to our New Year’s resolutions. After four solid weeks of eating selection boxes for breakfast and brushing our teeth with Baileys, it is time to atone.

We’ve piled on the timber like a festive goose and we’re under pressure to detox, dry out, and generally become better human beings. Our feeds are awash with adverts for diet clubs, gym memberships, and teetotal programmes. Why? Because its January! The most miserable month of all. You can try “Dry January”, “Veganuary”, or do the “Step into January” – the offers are endless. Or, you could just say bollocks to the entire thing, stick two fingers up at 2026, and tell anyone touting a “new year, new you” slogan to shove it up their arse. To my mind, this is the far more sensible option. The world is scary enough without you embarking on a juice cleanse as well.

New Year’s resolutions are lies we believe about our future selves – normally thought up while we are half-cut and balancing on a barstool. “I’m only going to eat organic from now on,” we cry, while brandishing a........

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