During my long stay in hospital last year, my friend Katie made me laugh when she came to visit me, bringing a perfume called KARMA as a gift. Ironic, given the sheer volume of halfwits who’d been babbling on social media that – by being struck down by a spinal abscess which left me unable to walk – I was finally getting what I deserved after a lifetime of being beastly. Even louder than they had been a decade before, when I got the same response after my son committed suicide.

Many things mark one out as an ocean-going idiot. But the use of the word “karma” – often jazzed up into “karma’s a bitch!” – comes pretty near the top of the linguistic scale. It was bad enough in its original incarnation, but when Westerners got their paws on it, it became just something to put on a cushion like LIVE LAUGH LOVE.

I’ve noticed that people never say of their own bad luck, “Well, it must have been my karma – that’s why I’ve got cancer!” but only when misfortune befalls people they dislike and/or envy. But expecting logic from karma’s barmy army is like expecting it to rain diamonds.

The concept of karma – originated in the dharmic religions of Buddhism, Hinduism, Sikhism and Jainism – broadly refers to the idea of cause and effect; that if you are good in this life, you will come back as happier in the next life, whereas if you are bad in this life, you will come back unhappier in the next life. Of course, to believe this, one has to believe in reincarnation, which I don’t.

But the footballer Glenn Hoddle obviously did when way back in 1999 he brought this rather smug and doomy idea to mainstream notice in Britain, opining in a radio interview: “I think we make mistakes when we are down here and our spirit has to come back and learn. That’s why there is an injustice in the world. Why there’s certain people born into the world with terrible physical problems and why there’s a family who has got everything right, physically and mentally.”

This idiocy only reached a limited audience, but Hoddle went the whole hog and told The Times that people are reincarnated “to learn and face some of the things you have done – good and bad… you and I have been physically given two hands and two legs and half-decent brains. Some people have not been born like that for a reason. The karma is working from another lifetime… It is not only people with disabilities. What you sow, you have to reap.”

I love the “half-decent brains” bit!

Hoddle claimed his comments to the Times had been “misconstrued and misinterpreted” – the reporter in question disagreed. Understandably, those possessing entirely decent brains found this a bit off. Hoddle was called unfit to lead the national team; Labour MP Alf Morris (the world’s first minister for the disabled) called this flight of fantasy “grossly and unbelievably insensitive and hurtful”. Public opinion was polled as being 90 per cent against Hoddle waddling on in his role as England manager, and the FA gave him the boot shortly after his daft declamation.

Karma has its place in pop, too; there was the 1983 hit record “Karma Chameleon” by Culture Club. Unfortunately, ignoring his own advice, Boy George was convicted in 2008 of the false imprisonment and assault of Audun Carlsen, a male model who claimed to have been handcuffed to a radiator and beaten with a metal chain. A guilty verdict got George four months in the clink in this life – and goodness knows what in the next. He nevertheless called his 2024 autobiography Karma, marking himself out as a glutton for punishment – when not dealing it out to unfortunate male models.

Taylor Swift’s 2022 song “Karma” is probably better known, featuring lyrics such as “Karma is a cat/Purring in my lap cos it loves me/Flexing like an acrobat/Me and karma vibe like that.” The more deranged of her followers believe that anyone who dares criticise their idol will be subject to “Tayvoodoo”, defined by the Urban Dictionary as “a sudden wave of karma resulting in crippling of mental/physical health or sudden drop in popularity/fame: cause – attacking/feuding with Taylor Swift”. Victims are reputed to include Kanye West, Katy Perry, Calvin Harris, Elon Musk, all the boyfriends who mucked her about – and Netflix.

Do I “deserve” to be in a wheelchair because I’ve been paid to be an utter bitch for 50 years? I believe in Judeo-Christian ideas, so I’m not convinced. However, in my more introspective moments (not many) I do think that I may be being “taught” something. With its element of divine punishment, this utterance strikes horror into the hearts of my loved ones; however, as the Lord I worship is no chocolate-box saviour, but one who regularly smites people for getting on the wrong side of him, it doesn’t strike me as outlandish. He does, after all, move in mysterious ways.

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Sometimes I  think I am being taught not to be proud, or to be patient – the first of which I was very good at, and the second very bad at. This makes it more meaningful instead of some random thing that happened to me because I was careless with my health and couldn’t be bothered to go to the doctor when I felt bad. I had breezed though my lovely life doing as I pleased – and I thought that because I gave lots of money to beggars and did eight hours’ volunteer work a week, I was immune from injury. Like altruism and generosity were some kind of celestial insurance policy. 

Anyway, my body now resembles an infernal game of Whack-A-Mole; the moment something starts going right (progress in walking with a frame) something else goes wrong (foot ulcer, meaning I can’t put weight on it, and cannot for the foreseeable practise walking.) The Karma Police probably believes this is because I slagged off some stupid singer’s rubbish single back in the 20th century.

But I prefer the opinion of the then-sports minister Tony Banks, who said of Hoddle: “If his theory is correct, he is in for real problems in the next life. He will probably be doomed to come back as Glenn Hoddle.” Shallow and hypocritical as they are, if karma does exist, its barmy army will forever be condemned to live life over and over as their sad little selves.

For confidential advice and support, call the Samaritans free, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, on 116 123, or visit samaritans.org

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