The news, even that about Robert Downey Jr.’s Oscar, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Yeah, but Rob Schneider was clearly robbed for ‘Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo.’

… Now there’s some noose.

And, realizing all the correct luggage was on board.

While what the rest of us just want is for her to STFU!

When you combine St. Patrick’s Day and Pi Day in the same week, you get endless drinking.

Family reunions are sure going to be awkward.

While Ye’s existence could make Jesus an atheist.

You can tell by the photoshopped stress lines and bags under eyes.

Holy s***, now I call that playing with a handicap …

That’s right, he finally shut off FOX News.

On the upside, downtown fast food restaurants are seeing a major uptick in business.

He’s around the age where he can star in ‘Needs A Walker: Texas Ranger.’

… Talk about the potential of work going up in flames.

Well, you’d have to be to be married to Justin Bieber… Oh wait, never mind.

… Literally, making it the ‘Return of the Jettas’…