BREAKING: U.S. Diplomat Trapped in Groundhog Day Announces Iran Deal ‘Two or Three Days Away’ for 38th Consecutive Time |
The United States announced today that a landmark Iran deal remains approximately “two or three days away.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a development that surprised no one except, apparently, the President, the United States announced Tuesday that a landmark Iran deal remains approximately two or three days away — a timeline that has itself remained approximately two or three days away for sixty-three consecutive days, in what analysts are now calling a real-life Groundhog Day scenario. This makes it the most stable thing in U.S. foreign policy since the Lincoln Memorial.
MUST WATCH Groundhog Day & recall 😊
“We are in the final throes,” The Donald told reporters outside Air Force One. “The throiest throes. Beautiful throes. Final throes you will tell your grandchildren about, assuming the Strait of Hormuz reopens before they’re born.”
Iran denied this. Iran has now denied this thirty-eight times. The denials, according to sources who have been watching closely, are becoming more elaborate.
A Glossary of Trumpian Diplomatic Time (For New Readers and Historians)
In the interest of public clarity, we have commissioned the following field guide to temporal language as currently deployed by the executive branch:
“Days away” (noun phrase): A unit of duration with no fixed relationship to the passage of days. Scientifically equivalent to “soon,” “shortly,” and “before too long.” Not to be confused with actual days, which are twenty-four hours.
“Very close” (spatial metaphor): A diplomatic position........