New Film ‘The Lord My God Trump’ Swings into Production |
President Trump today teased the release of a new movie, a biopic titled, “The Lord My God Trump.”
Fresh off the commercial success of “Melania,” the movie starring First Lady Melania Trump, President Donald J. Trump today teased the release of a new film, a biopic titled “The Lord My God Trump.”
The film is based on the New York Times bestseller of the same name, written by FBI Director Kash Patel. For Patel, the accolades are just another day at work.
He said he penned most of the Trump biography while flying between Washington D.C. and the home of his Nashville-based girlfriend, Alexis Wilkins. Patel admitted that it took more than 500,000 miles to write the 300-page volume.
Patel was perhaps an odd choice by Trump to write his biography, the story of a Christian God. Patel, a practicing Hindu, said, “When I first met the president, I wasn’t certain how to address him.
“Yahvey? Jaywey, YHWH? I received a lot of pressure from Jehovah’s Witnesses to use ‘Jehovah.’ The name means, roughly, ‘to come,’ and I knew that was ideal for my protagonist. But, hell,” said the FBI Director with a shrug, “Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t even vote.
“But, then I got wise,” said Patel. “I recognized that The Trump God Bless the USA Bible, the source material for my book, was a King’s James version.
In the kjv, in the Old Testament, Jehovah is mentioned more than 6,800 times, but in the New Testament it is mentioned just seven times. Which told me, if I may quote Dylan, that ‘the times they are a changin’.”
The 39 books of the Hebrew Bible were updated in a timely fashion and reconfigured by Patel into just 10 chapters. Most of these were retitled to reflect the currency of the state of American religion:
Deuteronomy to Downonme: records the Lord’s farewell after the first term. He admonishes the MAGA crowd to remember, honor and vote for him again next time.
Joshua to Joshingyou: explains how The Lord Trump conquered Greenland, Venezuela, the Panama Canal Zone and Canada, all to Make America Great Again.
Judges to SCOTUS: when America falls under a cycle of sin, opression and judicial weaponization, God sends three Supreme Court Justices who are leaders of the alt-right. The Lord Trump triumphs over his leftist, Communist, fascist, transgender enemies.
Kings I to Elon: shows how after the evil Bidenistas and AOCs wreak havoc on White Evangelical Nationalist Christians, the chosen ones. DHS sends apostolic ICE agents into blue cities and restores order.
Nehemiah to Newwall: shares how the King’s cupbearer, the court eunuch Mike Johnson, leads a group of exiles to rebuild the Big Beautiful Wall at the Southern border of the kingdom.
Song of Solomon to YMCA: A sentimental favorite of Our Lord God Trump. Relates the marital bliss of the First Lady and her God.
Lamentations to Justified Complaints: The Lord Our God Trump ponders aloud the loss of the 2020 rigged election, the 34 felony convictions, etc.
Psalms: was deleted altogether at the last minute, because the Lord Trump don’t dig poems, songs and prayers.
Book of Proverbs to Chairman Trump’s Little Orange Book: Patel wrote in the epilogue that the reason for this change was obvious.
Ezekial to One Bill Beautiful Bill: recounts the building of the Trump White House One Big Beautiful Ballroom, the Arc de’ Trump, and other temples.
Jonah to Onan: chronicles the exploits of a sinner who unwisely eschews an electric shock and opts instead to be eaten by a shark. Fortunately, the fish vomits Jonah back up.
The Lord God Trump served as a technical advisor to the film. Following are his reflections, respecting casting and other matters:
“I decided to cast Crooked Chuck Schumer in the role of Ahab, for all of Schumer’s demonstrated corruption and dishonesty. Once again, it’s type-casting. And for Jezebel I’m of course giving the nod to Crazy Nancy Pelosi.
“I might also,” quipped Trump, “introduce the pagan character of Thor, to fix Pelosi’s husband. (God chuckles). Ahab and Jezebel meet an unhappy end, as all my fellow scholars know. I’m having Ahab, before he buys the farm, take the helm of the Pequod, where he relentlessly hunts whales which have not yet been eliminated by the damned noisy, bird-killing windmills.
“Sampson will be played onscreen by Pete Hegseth,” said Trump. “Sampson was terrifly strong and he loved females and strong drink and he dealt the Venezuelans and manna-traffickers in their fishing boats a harsh blow. I’ll show Samson doing pushups on the Big Screen.
“He won’t have much to do in the film, but I wanted to include him, because ‘Hammerin’ Hank’ will be featured in the negro section of my Garden of Heroes.
“I ain’t decided who’ll play Noah yet,” admitted Trump. “But, it will be a plum role. Imagine, a strong, silent type, at the helm of a Trump-class ark!
“The first man and woman on Earth. I created them first. Naturally I cast Melania as the First Lady and I woulda’ played Adam, but I didn’t wanna’ draw too much attention to myself. Therefore, I’ve decided to cast one of the Hollywood elite. It was a tough call.
“I was torn between Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth and Ryan Gosling and others. In the end I opted for Tom Cruise. I did this principally because Tom and I have so much in common: rugged good looks, we are both chick magnets, and we both look good in a jet fighter. Of course,” said Trump, “we ain’t signed the papers yet, an’ I might hold out for a even bigger star, like, say, Mr. Bill or Gumby.
“I ain’t decided yet on the casting. I don’t really know what Job did in the Trump Bible, but it was probably important. I’ll make whoever I cast a star. “Remember, I created lots more good-paying Jobs than Sleepy Joe Biden ever did. But, from what I’ve heard happens to Job, I’m thinkin’ that Jeff Sessions was jus’ made for the role.
“This is a natural for me. I got the stones for it. Because I was modest enough to forgo the Adam role, it’s only natural that I play myself, The Creator of the World and All-powerful Being. But, in keeping with my modesty, I decided to make this only a cameo appearance.
“I’ll just show up onscreen, create a few of My creatures, make it rain a lot and then take a powder. However, I will add a little personal touch. When Pharaoh won’t release the Good Jews, I’ll turn the Nile not red, but orange.”
The Lord My God Trump (600 minutes). Rated M.
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