8 Of The Most Passive-Aggressive Phrases You're (Probably) Using With Your Partner

A lot of us are guilty of using these.

In an ideal world, we’d all be able to tell our partners exactly what we’re feeling, as soon as we’re feeling it.

But real life often falls short of that. Maybe it feels too vulnerable to express a need outright; maybe you’re worried about being dismissed, ignored or met with hostility if you do.

That’s where passive aggression can often come into play.

“Passive aggression is an indirect expression of emotions or unmet needs,” explained Tara Rullo, a trauma and couples therapist and owner of Middle Way Psychotherapy.

“Underneath passive-aggressive comments are vulnerable emotions like sadness, loneliness, overwhelm, fear, or longing.”

As an example, Rullo described a couple where one partner has been retreating into their phone: “Instead of their partner saying, ‘I’m feeling ignored,’ or ‘I want to connect with you,’ the bid may come out sideways through comments like ‘Don’t let me interrupt your phone’ or ‘Must be something really important on there,’” she said.

“Underneath these comments is a natural longing for connection, but because the need is wrapped in irritation and sarcasm, the receiving partner hears criticism, contempt or undefined emotional distress instead,” Rullo continued.

Below, relationship experts describe some of the most common passive-aggressive phrases they hear used with significant others, then break down how to turn those moments into a genuine opportunity for connection instead.

‘It’s fine’ / ‘I’m fine’

This is one of those examples where the words mean one thing, but “your partner can clearly pick up on a tone,” Alexandra Solomon, a clinical psychologist and the author of Love Every Day, told HuffPost. “If the tone doesn’t match, the tone is all your partner’s gonna focus on.”

They’ll sense your distress, but have no way of knowing what’s wrong – only that you’re upset with them.

If you catch yourself saying this, Elizabeth Earnshaw, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Til Stress Do Us Part, recommended that you do your best to catch yourself in the moment and try to name the real feeling instead. A quick script might look like: “Actually, I’m not fine. I don’t know why I said that. I am feeling [angry/sad/etc].”

Rullo flagged this kind of comment as one of the most concerning patterns she sees. “Must be nice” – as in, “must be nice to have zero responsibilities” or “must be nice to relax while I do everything” – can veer into contempt, which she said “is........

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