Are You Venting Or Complaining? Therapists Say The Difference Matters |
Are You Venting Or Complaining? Therapists Say The Difference Matters
Talking to friends about your feelings and frustrations can be healthy – but experts warn you should look out for a few damaging traps.
Culture & Parenting Reporter, HuffPost
When your partner frustrates you or your mum is on your last nerve, it’s natural to call a friend or talk about your feelings at the next wine night. But not all emotional unloading is created equal.
“Although they seem similar on the surface, venting and complaining are actually distinct phenomena that lead to different outcomes for your mental health,” Natalie Moore, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told HuffPost.
So what exactly is the difference? And when does talking to friends about your feelings about a person or situation go from a healthy outlet to an unproductive cycle of negativity?
Below, Moore and other relationship experts break it down.
“I think of venting as letting off steam about the annoying habits or behaviours that are inevitable in a relationship,” said Tracy Ross, a licensed clinical social worker specialising in couples and family therapy. “And more often than not it’s helpful to have a friend who listens, validates and just understands why you feel the way you do – without judgment.”
Having a little vent session with a close friend can be a healthy way to engage with something that’s bothering you.
“Venting typically involves expressing emotions and frustrations in a way that seeks understanding or relief,” said relationship therapist Joy Berkheimer. “It allows for an honest exploration of feelings and can facilitate personal insight or clarity when approached constructively. Essentially, venting can be a form of processing, providing a necessary outlet for emotional burdens.”
It feels good to get something off your chest and discuss how it’s been affecting you.
“Venting often sounds like, ‘I just need to talk this through – I had a moment, and I need someone to hear me out,’” said Sanah Kotadia, a licensed professional counsellor with Balanced Minds Therapy. “There’s usually emotion, but also a sense of release or clarity afterward.”
Getting to hear someone else’s perspective can also help you see the situation more clearly.
“Honestly, sometimes we need to talk to our friends when we’re confused, frustrated, or even just want someone to say, ‘Yeah, that would drive me nuts too,’” said April Davis, the founder of Luma Luxury Matchmaking. “It can be a way to process what you’re feeling in a safe, supportive space.”
A little venting can give you the chance to calm down and explore why you’re feeling strongly so that you can address the issue directly with the other person later with a cooler head.
“Venting can be a healthy outlet if it’s done intentionally, with self-awareness,” said dating coach Sabrina Zohar. “It’s about releasing tension, exploring feelings, and often includes self-reflection. It sounds like, ‘I’m overwhelmed and need to talk this through so I can make sense of it.’”
Maybe you had an argument with your partner over something small, like not getting to go to the beach for a weekend because you have to go visit your in-laws.
“Sometimes, all we need is the opportunity to........