So, girls, what would you like for Christmas? I’m sure I speak for most women when I say that top of my wish list is … for all my Christmases to come at once. As if unequal pay isn’t enough to make females fume, apparently we are also suffering a pleasure gap. According to American Professor Elisabeth Lloyd’s analysis of 33 studies on sexuality, three-quarters of females don’t achieve regular vaginal orgasm. Women are also only having one orgasm for every three racked up by blokes.

The Kinsey Institute reports that the average time it takes females to climax when flying solo is the same as it takes fellas: about four minutes.Credit:Getty Images

And don’t believe the myth that it’s more difficult to satisfy women. The Kinsey Institute reports that the average time it takes females to climax when flying solo is the same as it takes fellas: about four minutes. The only women achieving the same Big O rate as men are lesbians. Obviously this is because women do not think that the clitoris is a beach in Crete and appreciate its function as the only part of human anatomy that exists purely for pleasure.

Women also understand that it’s impossible to have Academy Award-winning orgasms without an erotic warm-up. There’s so much emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay? Let’s face it, some blokes can fake a whole damn relationship!

And yet, while research reveals that the average woman requires at least 10 minutes of foreplay, most heterosexual encounters last between three and seven minutes. You don’t have to be Einstein to work out that this amatory calculation can’t add up.

I do all my own research in a detailed, scientific fashion – over cocktails with girlfriends – and what I’ve gleaned is that if a partner does attempt a little half-hearted foreplay, he invariably prods away at the clitoris as though it’s an elevator button and he’s running late for a meeting. It is then a woman is tempted to roll her eyes and grumble, “Just take the stairs.”

Without doubt, what hubbies call a “quickie”, most women would dismiss as premature ejaculation. Do you know the difference between a husband and a toy boy? About three hours.

Of course, mums go off sex because they’re exhausted. If men did more housework, women would have energy for other things. Oh, the orgasmic joy of being made love to by a man who has just vacuumed your entire house!

Orgasms are a lot like oxygen – no big deal unless you’re not getting any. And yet the female orgasm remains more of a mystery than the continued career success of Donald Trump. But new in-depth research (literally) has just discovered that there are three orgasmic varieties on erotic offer for us gals: a “wave”, a “volcano” or an “avalanche”.

James Pfaus, professor of neuroscience at Prague’s Charles University, explains that the names refer to pelvic floor movements during the build-up to orgasm and the release. Apparently, when the female volunteers climaxed, special sensors on their Bluetooth-connected vibrators predominantly showed one of three muscle patterns: wave-like undulations along the lower pelvic floor; an avalanche of contractions from the higher area; or a volcano eruption of exploding tension.

Orgasms are a lot like oxygen – no big deal unless you’re not getting any. And yet the female orgasm remains more of a mystery than the continued career success of Donald Trump.

For the study, 54 women were instructed to self-stimulate and then turn the vibrator off for two minutes after reaching orgasm. This exercise was then repeated over several days in their own homes, which must rate as the best homework assignment ever. (I doubt there’s been digital action like this since Proust wrote all seven volumes, longhand. Perhaps an unexpected upside was the wearing off of fingerprints, meaning they can now also commit the perfect crime?)

Anyway, to conclude this “Kama Sutra For One” experience, the volunteers were also asked to perform a control test in which they inserted the vibrator but did not stimulate themselves. Data was then analysed to reveal that nearly 50 per cent (26 women) enjoyed wave orgasms, while 17 relished avalanches and 11 delighted in volcanoes.

So boys, it’s basically now up to you to do your horizontal homework. Put in enough dedicated practice and your female partner will soon be so pleasured that when she cries out, you won’t be sure whether it’s an orgasm or a demonic possession. Should you share a post-coital cigarette or call an exorcist?

In short, if a woman is happy in bed, she’s going to want to spend a hell of a lot more time in it, with you. And it will be Oh, OH! OHHHH! What a feeling! So here’s to an intensely satisfying holiday season with a very, very happy ending.

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Don’t believe the myth it’s more difficult to satisfy women

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04.12.2022

So, girls, what would you like for Christmas? I’m sure I speak for most women when I say that top of my wish list is … for all my Christmases to come at once. As if unequal pay isn’t enough to make females fume, apparently we are also suffering a pleasure gap. According to American Professor Elisabeth Lloyd’s analysis of 33 studies on sexuality, three-quarters of females don’t achieve regular vaginal orgasm. Women are also only having one orgasm for every three racked up by blokes.

The Kinsey Institute reports that the average time it takes females to climax when flying solo is the same as it takes fellas: about four minutes.Credit:Getty Images

And don’t believe the myth that it’s more difficult to satisfy women. The Kinsey Institute reports that the average time it takes females to climax when flying solo is the same as it takes fellas: about four minutes. The only women achieving the same Big O rate as men are lesbians. Obviously this is because women do not think that the clitoris is a beach in Crete and appreciate its function as the only part of human anatomy that exists purely for pleasure.

Women also understand that it’s impossible to have Academy Award-winning orgasms without an erotic warm-up. There’s so........

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