What blindside divorce tells us about modern love |
'A cut-throat split': What a blindside divorce tells us about modern love
More people are sharing their experience of being divorced out of the blue. Psychologists tell the BBC why a spouse might initiate a sudden split – and what this tells us about modern relationships and marriage.
Eve Simmons was in a romantic relationship for eight-and-a-half years and married for six months when her husband put a bowl of pasta on the table in front of her, with a side of "I'm not happy". It was completely out of the blue. A few days later, he told her he didn't want to try and work on their marriage.
It was, Simmons says, a "cut-throat split".
There are countless threads on Reddit and other social forums with similar stories about former spouses who say they have experienced a "blindside divorce". Sometimes, it's referred to as "sudden divorce syndrome". But what do experts say are the reasons a spouse might want a divorce out of the blue and what can a blindside split tell us about the state of modern love and relationships?
The shock of a blindside
Adam Davis (whose real name has been withheld for privacy reasons) was with his wife for 10 years and married for four when she left their house one morning to go to the shops and never returned. Concerned for her whereabouts, Davis contacted the police, who confirmed she was safe and well, but said she had no intention of getting in contact with him. Several weeks later he was served divorce papers in the post. "There wasn't any explanation, there wasn't any closure, there wasn't any goodbye," he says.
Davis started exhibiting signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) when his wife left him. "I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat… I couldn't concentrate at work. I struggled to do daily tasks, such as getting out of bed in the morning to just, like, showering and brushing my teeth," he says. After the initial shock wore off, "the grief set in. Because then it started becoming real, that she [had] gone".
Davis worries his blindside divorce will have a lasting impact on him and any future relationships – and even on ordinary friendships. "I've never ever had such a traumatic breakup before that just left me feeling like I can't trust people again," he says. "I go out with friends and I feel socially awkward. It did a number on my self-esteem… I feel I'm always second-guessing people's intentions now and motives."
Simmons says the shocking part of her divorce was that "there wasn't any willingness to work on it, or to fix wounds, or to even discuss what might be salvageable".
It raised the question – what's the point in marriage? "You think that you're in the safest, securest position in your life, and then it's all ripped from under your feet without a moment's notice," Simmons says.
Why a blindside divorce might happen
Firstly, it is important to highlight that there may be plenty of legitimate reasons why a partner might flee a relationship unexpectedly – such as abuse or coercive control.
In safe and non-threatening marriages, however, personality and attachment styles (the way people act and feel in relationships) might explain why some people are more likely to walk out on their spouse without any notice or reason.
"You know, there are certain personality profiles that may be more susceptible to making these decisions… [like] not being willing to compromise," says Jeffry Simpson, professor of psychology at the University of Minnesota in the US.
Some research has suggested that both anxious attachment (where a person fears separation or abandonment from a partner) and avoidant attachment (where a person seeks emotional distance or fears being trapped by a relationship) styles negatively affect the cognitive, emotional and behavioural aspects of relationship quality. Other research suggests that those with avoidant attachment styles are more likely to seek alternative partners, or engage with infidelity.
"One of the things that we've seen in some of our work is that people who are avoidantly attached to their partners, are more likely to not communicate very directly or very well, and to sometimes make kind of black-and-white decisions," Simpson adds.
By contrast, a person with a secure attachment style (someone who feels trust and safety in relationships, and confidence in their own abilities), Simpson says, is "much less likely just break things off without either trying to improve them or at least letting the partner understand why it's happening".
However, in a way, "a lot of divorces are blindside divorces, because we just can't predict it very........