ROBERT STEINBUCH: Wanna get some pizza? |
I don't like to refer to myself as an expert in the areas of law in which I specialize. It seems pompous and excessive. There is always more to learn, another case to read, a different angle to consider. Besides, calling oneself an expert usually says more about the speaker's ego than his knowledge.
But there is one topic on which I proudly proclaim myself an expert: pizza. So sit back and get some learnin'.
Pizza comes in two varieties: New York and foo-foo. Both are good, but they are different species altogether. Confusion on this point has created more human suffering than the Oxford comma debate.
Some of you are already composing angry emails to inform me of Chicago pizza. Relax. I am aware that it exists. I simply reject the proposition that this inverted slop casserole is pizza. The sauce is on top, the cheese underneath, and the crust functions as a retaining wall designed to prevent structural collapse. One does not eat Chicago pizza so much as excavate it. Awful. If you want a thick crust, get a New York Sicilian slice. If you don't know what that is, you'll need to travel to the northeast or wait for the advanced course.
New York pizza comes in 18-24" diameter pies, generally has red sauce and low-moisture, whole-milk aged mozzarella. Toppings include pepperoni, sausage, and canned mushrooms--albeit not the former two for me (no pork). And, yes, only canned mushrooms, because raw ones are equivalent to uncooked potatoes: not fit for civilized consumption, notwithstanding the former's........