A bit of wisdom I learned from the Dalai Lama
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In a world full of intractable problems such as war and poverty, one tempting response—as a way of protecting your own happiness—is to stop paying attention. With good reason: Just following the news can invite a sense of powerlessness and be associated with lower mental well-being, and one of the reasons folks avoid the news is the anticipation of anxiety, perhaps because the bulk of what you see and hear is negative. On top of that, the national and global problems that the media report are out of your control. Only those with power, wealth, and influence seem to have the capacity to address those problems and the potential to make our world better. So unless you are a political hero, a world-famous entrepreneur, or a charismatic celebrity, you might as well tune out.
Although this way of looking at things follows a certain logic, it’s the wrong way to see the world. In fact, each of us has the power to address global problems in an effective way, without waiting for a powerful savior. This is a truth I learned, ironically, from one of the most influential men on the planet: the Dalai Lama.
Through my study of Tibetan Buddhism, I have been lucky enough to work with His Holiness on a number of occasions, including a trip to Dharamshala, India, last year. In that decade-long collaboration, he has convinced me that the solutions to problems larger than myself lie not in huge acts from such renowned figures as him. Rather, the answers to life’s greatest challenges reside in minor decisions I make every day. The wisdom of that Tibetan tradition can teach any of us how small acts can foster great love in the world, bringing more happiness to others and to ourselves.
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We are easily drawn to see the world in terms of the anonymous masses affected by such universal events as armed conflict and climate change. As a way of nudging me out of this impersonal perspective, the Dalai Lama has told me many times, “Remember that you are one of 8 billion.” By this, he means two things. First, no one is any better or worse than anyone else; we are radically equal in human dignity. Second, each person counts as the face of the whole world. And as such, each individual kind deed I do for another, no matter how small, is an act of love toward the whole world. That makes every act of compassion empowering, important, and worthwhile.
Based on Tibetan Buddhist teachings, here are five examples of small-seeming yet world-changing acts that His Holiness has urged me to undertake each day.
1. Serve the tea.
Whenever I visit the Dalai Lama at his home, he invariably starts each meeting or conversation by serving me tea. Among Tibetans, this is a common act of generosity and humility—to serve others rather than expect to be served. Such a quiet gesture of hospitality starts a cycle of goodwill. As the Buddha taught, “Do not overlook tiny good actions, thinking they are of no benefit; even tiny drops of water in the end will fill a huge vessel.” These are acts of metta, or loving-kindness, which eliminate ill will through friendliness.
Small acts require conscious intention to begin with but can become a habit in short order. One 2020 study in the journal Emotion conducted an experiment in which three randomly assigned groups had different tasks to perform each day for five days, and all were also assigned no tasks to perform during five control days. The first cohort engaged in impromptu acts of charity, such as offering someone help or being unusually friendly; the second group simply dwelled on kind thoughts about others; the third batch of subjects awarded themselves treats, such as sleeping in or getting a massage.
All three groups saw increases in their satisfaction over the duration of the project. But the results were not even close when it came to levels of empathy measured by the researchers: The deeds group was 18 percent more empathetic, compared with their control days; the thoughts group was 13 percent more so; the self-care group saw no significant change. If you make an effort to serve the tea today, you will want to serve the tea tomorrow.
2. Show your teeth.
The Dalai Lama uses this expression frequently. It sounds kind of scary to Americans at first, as though we might want to bite—or are in danger of getting bitten. To the Dalai Lama, however, to “show your teeth” means to smile authentically—no half smiles, no Mona Lisa–style ambiguity. The true smile, he believes, starts a kind of contagion. The 20th-century Tibetan monk and teacher Dilgo Khyentse described the mechanism when he wrote, “In the presence of an erudite scholar, you will acquire great knowledge. In the presence of a great meditator, spiritual experience will dawn in your mind.” Put simply, in the presence of a genuine smile, joy and human connection will spread to those around you, “just as an ordinary log placed next to a log of sandalwood becomes saturated, little by little, with its fragrance.”
Neuroscientists have suggested how this actually works. Many believe that “mirror neurons” fire in the human brain when we execute an action such as smiling; they also light up when we see an authentic smile, leading us to adopt the same expression. This is called facial mimicry, and it’s a crucial part of how we get along in societies and avoid conflict. Furthermore, smiling has been found to elevate mood and lead to greater happiness. You may have noticed that some people in your life make you feel more optimistic and joyful; that may simply be an effect of the fact that they smile at you genuinely. Be that person yourself: Show your teeth to the people you meet.
3. Change places.
Gendun Drub, the first Dalai Lama, was born near Sakya, Tibet, in 1391. Many of his sayings have been lost, but those that remain make a magnificent guide to how to move the world through everyday acts of compassion. One verse of his that has come down to us is: “It is ignoble not to be moved by the thought / Of love, white as the planet Venus, / That cherishes all the parent-like sentient beings / Who wander helplessly in the realms of samsara.” In other words, if someone is bothering you, think deeply about their troubles. Then, he advises, “consider the kindness of all living beings.” This is a variation on the loving-kindness meditation in many traditions, in which we change our attitude toward others by focusing on their good and wishing them well.
Psychologists have long argued that we can indeed use such mental effort to choose to focus compassionately on others’ troubles, and to contemplate with admiration their virtues. This practice does not always come naturally to us, because our attention tends to be more drawn to others’ weaknesses and faults—an example of “negativity bias.” But with practice, it gets easier to do. It gives us a natural defense against the drumbeat of cynicism and toxic gossip around us, and brings out the best in others.
Read: The Buddhist and the neuroscientist
4. Think, don’t just feel.
The eighth-century Buddhist monk Shantideva is one of the Dalai Lama’s favorite philosophers, someone he quotes frequently. Shantideva’s greatest work is A Guide to the Bodhisattva Way of Life, in which he lays out the path toward attaining a Buddha nature, or true enlightenment. One of the themes the monk emphasizes throughout is that enlightenment requires us to manage our negative emotions—so that they don’t manage us. He counsels us to do this by exercising our powers of logic and reason, urging us, for example, to remember that “if there is a remedy, then what is the use of frustration? If there is no remedy, then what is the use of frustration?”
This wisdom is very much like that of the Roman Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius, who scolded himself for useless griping. Similarly, the Serenity Prayer—recited by many recovering from addictions—reminds us that, aside from making yourself needlessly unhappy, complaining encourages others to complain as well. This phenomenon, which has been dubbed by scholars in the Journal of Business Research as the “complaint contagion effect,” is in the early stages of being researched (with scholars examining interactions between customers and service providers). The point is this: Grousing can behave like a communicable disease. You can refrain from starting the disease or passing it on by deciding not to indulge in the negativity virus.
5. Let it go.
Another of the Dalai Lama’s influences is Jetsun Milarepa, the 12th-century Tibetan sage who was a troublemaker early in life but came to salvation through Buddhism. Drawing upon that experience, Milarepa’s work is dominated by messages of redemption and how to tame one’s demons. A recurrent theme in his writing is the virtue of not reacting to the bad behavior of others, restraint that he deemed an act of charity. For example, he taught that “kindness … is toleration of slanders.” For many people, this might be a valuable new way of thinking: After all, most of the virtuous acts we recommend involve doing something; this one argues that not doing something (refusing to take offense) is a positive act of goodness.
In our world of conflict, many cultural combatants look for offenses—even when none is intended—as an excuse for aggression. Obviously, that is a very bad practice. But Milarepa takes his ethic of restraint even further, suggesting that even when offense is intended, we have the opportunity to make the world a little better by refusing to take it as such and maintaining our equanimity. This practice can be very hard on your pride because, as scholars have shown, when your honor or image is threatened, you typically react to the insult. But we would all do well to remember, to use a common Buddhist metaphor, that taking offense is like grabbing a burning ember to hurl at the offender—you’re the one who’s most likely to get burned.
From the December 1870 issue: Resemblances between the Buddhist and Roman Catholic religions
Centuries of human wisdom could, of course, supply more than five lessons to help me improve the world. But I must start somewhere—within my family, workplace, and community—and these five teachings of the Dalai Lama make a manageable set of resolutions I can keep. The key to turning them into habits is to create a routine every morning that corresponds to each of the five small acts. Here is one that takes me just a couple of minutes, which I recommend to you.
1. Envision and write down a single small act of kindness you will undertake for one specific person—something as simple as bringing a fresh cup of coffee to the person at the next desk at work. Make sure you follow through with your plan.
2. Smile at yourself in the mirror for 30 seconds in the morning after brushing your teeth.
3. Think of a person close to you at work or in your personal life who often annoys you. Think about their misfortunes and challenges. Then think of one gift or virtue this person has, and write it down. As a bonus, find a way to compliment that person today for this virtue.
4. Resolve to refrain from complaint. Imagine how, if others are complaining around you, you will succeed in staying silent, changing the subject, or excusing yourself.
5. Think of an offense, however slight, that bothered you in the past day or two. Say to yourself, “I relinquish this resentment,” and envision the grievance leaving you.
This routine, or whatever you choose to adopt in its place, is not fail-safe. Sometimes you will still neglect, frown, resent, complain, and feel aggrieved. But when you do, you will notice it—and that is the beginning of changing your outlook and behavior. Little by little, you will find yourself brightening, and others will brighten around you as well.
Will the globe change overnight? Of course not. But in your own local way, the spirit of the Dalai Lama and his wisdom will be with you, and you will be a force for good in a world that badly needs it.
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