We all want our children to feel confident, trust themselves, override anxiety, and step out with a strong stride in life into whatever it is they are pursuing—whether giving their all in a sport, speaking up against a bully, or giving a book report. But what happens when they don’t? How we talk to our kids when that strong stride isn’t the foot they step out with may just matter more than how we praise them when things work out well.

Here’s the thing, our children’s doubt can lead us to doubt them. When we see our kids hesitate, doubt themselves, worry or struggle, it sets off something. Something in us. A contagion of doubt. Of anxiety. Let’s call it a moment of “doubt-a-deux.” Instead of seeing your child’s self-doubt as a specific, surmountable, and very human experience, our doubt about our kid’s doubt pushes its way from the back of our mind to the front and right out our mouths. If they can’t do this, how will they ever be able to do that later? We do exactly what we tell our kids not to do. We go big, we go all or none. We blurt out the global characterization: “You need to be more confident!” As if this moment represents all moments. The unfortunate irony is, the more that well-meaning parents say this, the faster you see whatever confidence was there drain from a child’s face. Not only are they struggling with whatever is going on in that moment, they have another, bigger problem—they apparently lack confidence!

This came into clear focus for me recently in a session I had with a young boy struggling with OCD. I’ll call him Tommy. At eleven years old, Tommy, a bright, talented child, was plagued by doubts........

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