What Is kinky sex? There’s actually no exact definition of kink, so anyone can say that what they do is or isn’t kinky.
Does it even matter? On the one hand, it doesn’t; your sexuality is an experience, not a category. Shakespeare had it right—a rose smells the same no matter what you call it.
On the other hand, you might be more willing to smell something if I told you it was a flower rather than a skunk. And so some people stay away from exploring sexual behaviors they might enjoy just because they think the activities are “kinky”—“and,” they emphasize, “I’m not a kinky person.”
It’s like going shopping, seeing a pretty red dress, and saying “I like it, but I won’t buy it because I’m not the kind of person who wears red dresses.” That’s a shame. Because no one is a “kind of a person”—we’re each an actual person who creates meaning out of the world around us every single day. If you like how you look in that red dress, it shouldn’t matter what kind of a person you are.
Of course, no one should be doing sexual things they don’t want to do. But why would someone be attached to their self-image as not a kinky person? After all, almost everyone is kinky to someone else. Sex with the lights on? Sex completely undressed? Talking during sex about what you like? Making noise when you climax? Depending on whom you ask, these could be considered kinky. Yes, every one of those is unfamiliar and rather odd to someone.
So what’s meant by kink, anyway? Often, kinky sex is defined as:
If you’re thinking "Wait a minute, I’m involved with some of that stuff!" you can decide you’re kinky, or that your sex is kinky, or that kink isn’t what you imagined it is. None of those ideas has to change what you do.
Indeed, a large number of couples enjoy bedroom games that could be considered kinky, but they just don’t think of it that way. They may hold down their partner, physically tease their partner, or deliberately do something that’s slightly physically uncomfortable. If more people talked about this, maybe “kink” wouldn’t seem like something that only others (or crazy others) do.
In a perfect world, psychologists would know all about this, and they’d be educating patients, TV producers, and policymakers about kink. But, unfortunately, most therapists get no training about this at all. In fact, you can become a licensed marriage counselor without ever hearing the word "vibrator" in your training. Handcuffs or dildoes? Many therapists-in-training would rather be ignorant about such things.
So let’s list some myths about kinky sex that many people (including therapists) believe, which undermine both sexual enjoyment and effective therapy.
None of these is true. There’s no data showing that people who enjoy kinky sex come from more troubled backgrounds, are less emotionally healthy, or are less self-regulated than everyone else. Of course, some kinky people are wounded personalities, but that’s true in every group of people, regardless of how they like sex (or whether they like sex at all).
When anyone—therapist or civilian—says that people who like kinky sex are unhealthy or are overcompensating for childhood abuse, what they’re really saying is “I disapprove of people having sex like that.” This is fine, of course, but people—especially psychologists with large followings—should be honest about their disapproval, rather than claiming they know something about the mental health of a large and heterogeneous group like people who enjoy kinky sex.
So if kinky sex isn’t about tormenting someone or being tormented, low self-esteem, echoing one’s sexual abuse, or just unpredictably acting on wild sexual impulses, what’s it actually about?
BDSM is a particular kind of kinky sex. It stands for a combination of Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, and Sadism/Masochism. I personally prefer the expression erotic power play—playing with power in erotic contexts.
Of course, people who do this want an environment that feels both emotionally and physically safe. You need plenty of communication and trust; often, these take time to develop, meaning much of BDSM takes place in long-term relationships.
While stereotypes of BDSM involve whips and chains, screams and blood (thank you, 50 Shades), for most people, erotic powerplay is what I call BDSM Lite—such as
What makes these things so satisfying? People who enjoy BDSM-style activities typically mention one or more of the following, which can make power games—when you feel safe—exciting and satisfying:
As you can see, it’s about the connection between the people involved, and the chance to explore unusual states of human experience. And it’s always consensual.
Want to experiment with a bit of this? Mention it to your partner, perhaps when you’re in a nonsexual context, like having lunch or gardening. If your partner seems interested, you can try one or two small things the next time you’re sexual together—maybe holding down one of his wrists (make sure you look at him so he knows you’re playing a new game). Or maybe abruptly turning your face away when you’re about to kiss (followed by a look that says “Well, if you want it, come and get it”).
Be sure to set up a safe word—like, “If either of us says ‘dinosaurs,’ we stop the game.” When people are using words like “Stop!” and “No!” playfully, it’s important to have a safe word that’s unambiguous.
Other kinky domains involve role-playing and consensual nonmonogamy. We’ll leave those for another day. For now, here are some truths about kinky sex, especially BDSM:
Pain isn’t the point—intensity and trust are. And as one of my patients said recently, “BDSM doesn’t feel like how it looks.”
References
Like short videos about sexual subjects? See my channel at www.youtube.com/@Marty_Klein
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