Shahida was, yet again, at a crossroads. The dreaded "holiday season" was here, along with the family get-togethers that always marked the end of the year. She wanted to see her siblings, her nieces and nephews, and some other extended family members. But she knew her dad and his new wife would be there—and the risk of re-traumatization this could bring. She felt she had no one to turn to to process this.

When her mother died when she was 7, she was left with a father who was ill-equipped to raise three children under the age of 10, and he quickly turned to alcohol to cope. Many of his drunken rage-filled episodes and the subsequent episodes of abuse were long forgotten by him—after all, he had gotten sober, so everyone should just forgive and forget—at least, according to him and his new wife.

But she hadn't forgotten. She had unresolved resentments, many that she had to keep to herself as she watched him be the doting, fun grandpa to the younger kids in the family. It wasn't fair. As much as she tried to tell herself that years had passed, and she should be over it by now, the holidays seemed to always bring up this feeling of isolation, resentment, and rejection by her family. Those who were old enough to remember his drinking and the abuse told her that she should get over it, that her father was doing the best he could raising small children. Those who were too young to remember just seemed to live in a different world.

Going home for holidays, or any family events, brought with it a range of emotions for her. She felt like she slipped back into that same mentality of the little girl who was frightened and isolated, struggling to navigate an impossible situation. Yet, she struggled with her feelings—all of her friends and coworkers were excited about going to see family for holiday gatherings—why couldn't she just do the same?

For those who grew up in chaos and dysfunction, the holidays can be difficult due to a lack of a normal home environment that others take for granted.

Because of the level of intimacy with family relationships, family can bring out any and all personal triggers. If there was any trauma or dysfunction in your family of origin, this dynamic can present with extended family, especially if family members haven’t done their work to unlearn these unhealthy mechanisms and behaviors. Because of this, interactions with extended family can drive you mad if you do not have ways to cope and deal with the stressors.

The holidays amplify these feelings, due to thrusting everyone together into an environment of expectations, obligations, and limited personal space. We receive so many messages during this time of year about what we should be doing and how happy we should be, that it can be hard to consider what is realistic.

As a therapist who specializes in working with survivors of family dysfunction, I often give these tips for handling these stressors: