Why do men still judge and comment inappropriately to women? And why do they feel comfortable enough to say the most outrageous things to a female peer that they would never say to a male? It still happens every day in many sectors of life.
Not long ago, Karen attended a talk by Valerie Plame. She was speaking about her experience as a CIA officer before she was outed as an act of revenge for an article her husband wrote in The New York Times describing the lack of proof of nuclear power in Iraq before the U.S. invaded the country. Plame also described an incident in which a U. S. congressman had told her, "You are nothing more than a glorified administrative person.”
Plame shared that she just ignored the comment, feeling it wasn’t worth the words or energy to deal with an ignorant remark from someone who should know better.
Was that the right thing to do? Sometimes it really just isn’t worth the time to challenge such groundless but demeaning comments.
Strong women continue to be exposed to stupid comments and, hopefully, as they share their stories, men will realize just how misguided they sound and how hurtful they can be.
Sarah—Manufacturing Salesperson
Sarah worked in a typical manufacturing plant housed in an old brick industrial building in the Boston area. She loved her work and found giving plant tours to her customers to be a good way to develop business. One day, while showing a male scientist around the plant, he stopped, looked at her, and said, “What is a nice girl like you, doing in a place like this?” Sarah felt compelled to explain at length why she loved what she did every day. Such comments were lobbed at the men who were in sales. Sarah ultimately chose to think that the scientist meant his words as a compliment. But was it?
Sometimes the best way to handle such awkward situations is to let the words roll off your shoulder. Trying to explain why they make you feel uncomfortable won’t change the outcome.
Jan—Executive HR, Manufacturing
Jan was an executive in a large Fortune 500 company when, walking down a hall one day with a tall senior male executive, he looked down at her head and told her that her hair needed a root job.
On another occasion, meeting with a senior vice president of human resources, the male executive asked, apropos of nothing, "What's that red stuff all over your face? What's the matter? Are you sick?" She was wearing light makeup.
Anissa – Marketing Consumer Products
“You remind me of my wife—always asking for commitments,” the CEO of her company exclaimed while Anissa was making a marketing presentation to a room full of mostly men. He even pulled her ponytail. She was in her 30s, working as a senior brand manager. She didn’t react, other than to let out a sort of half laugh. What was there to do? Looking back, she isn’t sure what she would have done differently. Everyone knew the CEO was something of a jerk.
How to Respond
What is the best response be to such comments? Or to the "compliments" smart and successful women often get but hate, ones like, “You don’t look like an engineer.”
If you hate a compliment that you can’t relate to, you can do one of these three things:
1. Graciously accept the compliment.
2. Express what you think the compliment means, and if that isn’t the intent, ask for clarity.
3. Ask the question, “Was that supposed to be a compliment?” Be prepared for a dialog that will hopefully be enlightening.
Whatever choice you make, do not spend time or energy second-guessing the speaker's intent or meaning, even if you think it is a disguised insult. Perhaps the best response is to suggest that no future comments might be the appropriate path forward.
Hold Your Comments, Please!
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07.03.2024
Why do men still judge and comment inappropriately to women? And why do they feel comfortable enough to say the most outrageous things to a female peer that they would never say to a male? It still happens every day in many sectors of life.
Not long ago, Karen attended a talk by Valerie Plame. She was speaking about her experience as a CIA officer before she was outed as an act of revenge for an article her husband wrote in The New York Times describing the lack of proof of nuclear power in Iraq before the U.S. invaded the country. Plame also described an incident in which a U. S. congressman had told her, "You are nothing more than a glorified administrative person.”
Plame shared that she just ignored the comment, feeling it wasn’t worth the words or energy to deal with an ignorant remark from someone who should know better.
Was that the right thing to do? Sometimes it really just isn’t worth the time to........
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