I have all the signs of childhood emotional neglect that you’ve described, but I grew up in a family that was the opposite of the typical emotionally neglectful family that you portray. My family was constantly yelling and screaming. How can this be? –A question sent to me by a reader
Six-year-old Marcus tries to shrink himself smaller as he sits between his two older sisters in the back seat of the car. Marcus’ sister Marsha is sobbing loudly on his left. On his right, Blair stares ahead stone-faced with her headphones on, purposely shutting herself off from the brutal but familiar battle between their parents that is taking place in the front of the car.
Marcus
Marcus is trying to make himself smaller, hoping he can become invisible. He doesn’t want to be yelled at by either of his angry parents.
Marsha
Eight-year-old Marsha tries to sob loudly enough that her parents will hear her over their yelling, hoping they’ll realize what they are doing to their children and stop fighting.
Blair
Eleven-year-old Blair appears to be listening to music. Instead, she is acutely aware that her mother will scream and hurl insults at her father until she “wins,” as she always does. Blair repeats over and over in her head, “I hate these people. I’m getting away from this as soon as I can.”
Here we have three children who are all responding differently to what is happening in their family. None of the three are experiencing direct verbal abuse, and no one is purposely harming them. But each suffers alone, unheard, and unseen, in the back seat of the car. Each one is experiencing childhood emotional neglect.
These children are not growing up in the classic version of the emotionally neglectful family that I usually talk about—the family that underexpresses feelings in general and squelches the children’s feelings by disregarding them. Instead, it’s the opposite type of family. This family squelches the children’s feelings by eclipsing them. In some families, it can be one of the children whose emotions dominate the family. But, in this one, Marcus, Marsha, and Blair’s mother uses extreme emotion to express herself. Her feelings are so intense that whatever any of her three children is feeling pales in comparison.
So, Marcus pushes his feelings down and becomes invisible, the classic response. Marsha expresses her feelings loudly to try to “out-emote” her parents, and Blair sits outwardly quiet, but inwardly enraged.
Fast forward 30 years. Let’s check in on Marcus, Marsha, and Blair, and see how each has fared as adults.
Marcus
At age 36, Marcus has already been married for 16 years. He is a responsible, successful plumber. But even though he has a wife and children, he describes himself as “a loner.” Marcus looks around at other people every day and sees that they seem to live their lives fully, in a way that he can’t. “What do they have that I don’t have?” he wonders. From the outside, Marcus looks like a man who has it all. But inside, he feels alone, disconnected, and rudderless. Marcus is going through his life with his emotions pushed down, as he had to do to get by in his childhood home. He does not have access to the rich connection, stimulation, and direction that his emotions should be providing him.
Marsha
Marsha is a doctor in a hospital emergency room (ER). Married with two children, she is passionately dedicated to saving lives. In the ER, she is cool as a cucumber in the face of injury and death. And true to her childhood self (she tried to stop her parents' fights), at home she is also a manager of unpleasant situations. Marsha learned early and well that her tears would not be noticed or matter to anyone (no one ever noticed her loud sobbing). So, as an adult, she makes sure that she is always "strong." Married to an angry alcoholic, she makes excuses for him and tiptoes around him. She tirelessly drives her children from one activity to another while her husband drinks at home. Lovingly unaware of her children’s emotions, she is unaware of how distressed and alone her children feel...
Blair
Blair, now 38, struggles the most of the three. A very bright woman, she has had multiple careers and multiple marriages. Blair’s tendency is to initially put her new husband, friend, or job on a pedestal, and invest her full commitment. But it doesn’t last. Eventually, each lets her down, and she feels attacked, abandoned, or betrayed. When Blair feels any of those things, she explodes. One after another, she unwittingly attacks and drives away every good thing in her life. She is intensely emotional and unpredictably angry. She has become her mother.
These three people grew up in the same household, with the same parents. With extreme emotion coming from their parents, and no one noticing or responding to their own feelings, they all grew up with severe childhood emotional neglect. They each appear to respond differently to the same childhood experience, but the core of each of their struggles is the same. They are all unequipped to manage, tolerate, express, or use their emotions. Marsha’s and Marcus’ feelings are squelched down, and Blair’s are running her life.
Do you identify with Marcus, Marsha, or Blair? If you are like Marcus, others may see you as aloof, or emotionally unavailable. If you are like Marsha, people may consider you a giver or an enabler. If you are like Blair, people may call you difficult or diagnose you with a personality disorder. But no one who sees you from the outside can possibly know the real you, on the inside.
Once you see the problem, doors are open to you. Doors to stop blaming yourself for your struggles. Doors to recognize, own, accept, and learn about your feelings, and why they matter. Doors to share your childhood memories of emotional neglect and intense emotion with someone who understands and can help, preferably a trained professional. Doors to learn and grow and realize why you matter.
And what your happiness is worth.
© Jonice Webb, Ph.D.
References
To determine if you might be living with the effects of childhood emotional neglect, you can take the free Emotional Neglect Questionnaire. You'll find the link in my bio.
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