You're not alone if you've noticed that you care too much about what people think about you. Personally, I've come a long way from when I was painfully preoccupied with how I'm perceived by others, including people I didn't even know or like. If I'm honest, I must admit that this tendency isn't quite ready to release me from its stubborn grip.
Why is it so hard to let go of caring about what people think about us? How can we free ourselves from this sticky and disempowering preoccupation which holds us back from being ourselves?
Let's be clear. We humans are wired for connection; we don't thrive in isolation. The fear of being disconnected can be so debilitating that we'll do whatever it takes to gather love, respect, and acceptance. So it's understandable that we may feel compelled to adjust in order not to stray too far from the pack. But sadly, in doing so, we may minimize our feelings, adjust our thoughts and values, and downplay our needs and wants to gain that elusive acceptance we crave.
Here are three ways to move beyond losing ourselves and reclaim our lives.
Be Inner-Directed, Not Outer-Directed
Our longing for acceptance and connection may prompt us to adjust who we are to meet what we think others want from us. We size people up and respond to them in ways we believe will make them like us. Being invested in seeking approval, we abandon ourselves.
I dare say that most people are largely outer-directed. That is, they take their cues from others. They make choices—what they say, how they live, and even what they believe—based upon how others prompt them. Messages about how we should are often overt, such as from religious or political organizations. Or they can be subtle, such as from a friend or partner shaking their head or rolling their eyes in a shaming way if we have a different viewpoint, feeling, or desire.
When our connection with what we want or feel becomes sidelined to comply with what others want from us, we're living an outer-directed life. We neglect or bypass our inner experiences to gain the cherished goods of acceptance or love.
Heal Your Shame
The shame that's been conditioned into us often drives us to be outer-directed. Growing up in a family and society that judges, criticizes, or ridicules us for being who we are, we get the subtle or not-so-subtle message that if we want to belong, we'd better acquiesce to others' preferences or expectations.
If we were narcissistically used by parents to meet their needs rather than having experienced them inquiring into ours, we lose touch with ourselves. Sadly, we may have never received the mirroring we need to feel safe knowing what we're actually experiencing inside. We learn to please and appease, which is a common response to trauma. We get lost in caring too much about what others think about us.
Conversely, we may rebel, developing a misguided anger that ends up hurting ourselves—and others. This pattern partly explains the so-called Donald Trump phenomenon in America, where people's anger around not being seen, recognized, and appreciated is mobilized against the government, which becomes the new object of one's ire. We define ourselves through our rebellion. Whether conforming or rebelling, it's largely driven by the shame inherent in feeling disconnected.
It's not an exaggeration to say that the foundation for a thriving democracy is connecting with our authentic selves, which explains why many countries are not ready for it. The psychological foundation has not yet been set.
Gershen Kaufman is known for defining shame as breaking the interpersonal bridge. When adult caregivers withhold approval and love (or actively damage us), or when acceptance and belonging depend upon adapting to what they want, we lose connection with ourselves. The shame inherent in this disconnection drives approval-seeking behavior (or blind rebellion), which becomes an addiction that ensures a continuing disconnection from ourselves.
First, we need to notice and develop a healthier relationship with our shame, which is discussed in the book by Bret Lyon and Sheila Rubin, Embracing shame. Only then can we begin to heal the shame that keeps us addicted to acceptance or rebellion—and move toward honoring what is authentic within us.
Cultivate Inner Resources
The middle path between compliance and rebellion is prioritizing the connection with our authentic heart. We do this by cultivating inner resources. We allow ourselves to be drawn toward what nourishes us. We need to discover what is uniquely helpful for us.
This might include practices such as meditation, Tai Chi, exercise, biking, good nutrition, artwork, gardening, or relishing nature. It might mean working with a helpful therapist, coach, or focusing guide who can help us navigate pitfalls on the winding path of knowing and affirming ourselves, including discovering how we really feel and what we need to be happy.
As we cultivate inner resources, we become more inner-directed. We care less about what others think about us and focus more on how we experience life; we care more about ourselves than how others see us. Our mantra becomes, "What you think of me is none of my business." We're less invested in clinging to a self-image that isn't who we really are. We gain the hard-earned reward of living with a greater sense of freedom and ease.
Here's a little secret that might help free you to be you. People who matter to you will like you more for who you really are than for who you think you need to be. When you really get this, you will go a long way toward living a more empowered and connected life.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
© John Amodeo
References
Lyon, B., & Lyon, S., (2023) Embracing Shame, Louisville, CO: Sounds True.
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