When you’re single, meeting people is hard.
You see someone attractive and hope they’ll find their way over to you and start an amazing conversation.
If only it were that easy.
Instead, you need to take a little initiative to get the sparks going. If that feels awkward, or you’re thinking, “I don’t know how to do that,” don’t worry. Being good at flirting and meeting people isn’t a trait you’re either born with or not. Rather, it’s a skill you can develop and learn (Allemand et al., 2022).
Here are several common questions about flirting and initial conversations, each with a research-backed answer and strategy for improvement.
Research finds that those being flirted with accurately perceived that the other person was interested only 28 percent of the time (Hall et al., 2014). In other words, roughly 3 out of 4 times people flirt, it goes undetected. Females were especially bad at accurately detecting male flirting (18 percent). Notably, outside observers did even worse.
What does this suggest? Flirters are hard to read because they’re being too subtle, likely because they want to protect their self-esteem and avoid rejection. However, if someone doesn’t even know you’re flirting, what’s the point? Put yourself out there, be a little vulnerable, and make your flirtations more obvious. Direct is best.
There are many flavors of flirting. Researchers at the University of Kansas identified five distinct styles: physical, playful, polite, sincere, and traditional (Hall et al., 2010). Physical flirts rely on body language, playful flirts treat interactions like a game, polite flirts are cautious, sincere flirts seek to establish an authentic connection, while traditional flirts rely on typical gender roles where guys pursue and women aren’t too forward.
Playful flirting is better for short-term relationships. Men were more likely to be playful, while women were more likely to be traditional. Overall, those using physical, playful, and sincere styles all had more dating success.
A large-scale study in the US and Norway wanted to see which flirtation strategies worked best (Kennair et al., 2022). The single best tactic for both men and women was finding the other person funny by giggling or laughing at their jokes. Women flirted more effectively when they used physical contact and didn’t use hugs or humor because those suggested more of a friendly (vs. romantic) intention. Men were most effective when they focused on having good conversations, giving compliments, and using humor.
A study by the University of Kansas and UC-Davis revealed that 77 percent of men perceived a specific expression—head tilted to the side and slightly downward, eyes forward, with a slight smile—as flirtatious (Haj-Mohamadi et al., 2021). To pull it off, avoid too big or too small smiles, which can be seen as simply friendly rather than flirty.
A study of participants at a speed-dating event found that having an expansive body posture—such as taking up more physical space with a wider stance and having your arms open and out to the side (vs. crossed over your body) made both men and women more desirable (Vacharkulksemsuk et al., 2016). The researchers speculate that being more expansive is a subtle sign of dominance. In a dating context, greater dominance may also signal greater confidence or social status, which are both appealing.
Everyone wants a partner who will be there for us when we need them. In other words, we want a responsive partner who pays attention to our needs, wants, and goals. In a dating context, the easiest way partners can show responsiveness is through being a good listener (Itzchakov et al., 2022). You can do this by facing the other person, maintaining eye contact, nodding, giving good facial expressions, asking follow-up questions, and giving your thoughts. Showing sincere interest can be extremely attractive.
It can feel intimidating to go out in the world and start flirting, even at a social gathering. To make it less daunting, you can start small and improve little by little with micro goals. For example, you could give yourself this challenge the next time you’re in a social setting:
The other key is to give yourself a deadline. For example, from the moment you get there, you have 5 minutes to make your first eye contact. Once you get started, you’ll see that it gets easier and easier. Have fun with it. You’re not doing this to meet your forever person, just to be social and meet interesting new people. Who knows where that will lead you...
References
Allemand, M., Gmür, B., & Flückiger, C. (2022). Does extraversion increase following a three-hour flirt training? Exploring two training routes. Scandinavian journal of psychology, 63(3), 265–274. https://doi.org/10.1111/sjop.12803
Haj-Mohamadi, P., Gillath, O., & Rosenberg, E. L. (2021). Identifying a Facial Expression of Flirtation and Its Effect on Men. Journal of Sex Research, 58(2), 137–145. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2020.1805583
Hall, J. A., Carter, S. Cody, Michael, J. & Albright, J. M. (2010). Individual differences in the communication of romantic interest: Development of the flirting styles inventory. Communication Quarterly, 58, 365-393. doi: 10.1080/014633 73.2 010.524874
Hall, J. A., Xing, C., & Brooks, S. (2015). Accurately detecting flirting: Error management theory, the traditional sexual script, and flirting base rate. Communication Research, 42(7), 939-958. https://doi.org/10.1177/0093650214534972
Itzchakov, G., Reis, H. T., & Weinstein, N. (2022). How to foster perceived partner responsiveness: High‐quality listening is key. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 16(1), Article e12648. https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12648
Kennair, L. E. O., Wade, T. J., Tallaksen, M. T., Grøntvedt, T. V., Kessler, A. M., Burch, R. L., & Bendixen, M. (2022). Perceived effectiveness of flirtation tactics: The effects of sex, mating context and individual differences in US and Norwegian samples. Evolutionary Psychology, 20(1), 14747049221088011. https://doi.org/10.1177/14747049221088011
Vacharkulksemsuk, T., Reit, E., Khambatta, P., Eastwick, P. W., Finkel, E. J., & Carney, D. R. (2016). Dominant, open nonverbal displays are attractive at zero-acquaintance. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 113(15), 4009–4014. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1508932113
login
who are we?
contact us
qosheapp
Toi Staff
Gideon Levy
Belen Fernandez
Andrew Mitrovica
Mort Laitner
Nikkei Editorial
Rami G Khouri
Ali Fathollah-Nejad
visit website
