We appear to be in the middle of a crisis in childhood independence. A recent study in the Journal of Pediatrics made headlines with evidence showing a link between lower independence in today's children and rising mental health problems. An October survey from Mott Children's Hospital reveals that parents think they give their children more independence than they do.
Fortunately, a long-researched approach called autonomy-supportive parenting offers parents a realistic, evidence-based solution to raise more independent children. This framework not only includes expecting independence and expressing trust in our child's capabilities, but it helps us raise the kind of children most parents aspire to raise: A person who knows who they are and has agency over their life.
The Theory and Science of Autonomy-Supportive Parenting
According to the self-determination theory, three basic human needs must be fulfilled for overall well-being: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. The premise of autonomy-supportive parenting is that it fulfills these needs in our children. Conversely, not meeting these needs seems to put our children at risk for psychological and behavioral problems.
When these needs are met, we experience "need satisfaction;" when not met, we "need frustration." Parenting presents a constant tension between both, especially when a parent's needs differ from their child's.
In other words, we all crave being skilled, socially connected, and in charge of ourselves. I predict that most of us who have ever parented a toddler can agree that these pursuits indeed seem fundamental to being human.
Autonomy
One could argue that the drive for autonomy lies at the root of many a parent-child conflict, from toddlerhood through adolescence. We want to preserve our agency and governance as parents, and our children want their own. We believe we are in charge or should be, and our children live in perpetuity of wanting to be more in charge than they are. I will never forget when I asked my 2-year-old, "Who's the boss here?" and he promptly sat on the kitchen floor and peed. I had my answer.
There is a place for the natural structure of power in families, and since adults are supposedly wiser and more capable, they should be setting limits as an essential part of raising children. However, it is possible to maintain this hierarchy while encouraging and nurturing our children's sense of agency in our homes and the world. This sense of agency and self-governance has been shown in the research over and over to be critical for general well-being and positive psychological functioning across developmental stages.
In the research across ages and settings, autonomy represents a potent blend of strong internal motivation, personal freedom to be oneself, knowing that authentic self, and acting with a fundamental sense of responsibility toward others. Not surprisingly, those who feel more autonomous have consistently been shown also to report higher self-esteem, greater self-actualization, stronger integration of their personality (key to knowing one's true self), more positive mental health outcomes, and greater satisfaction with interpersonal relationships.
Competence
A sense of competence strengthens internal motivation, which forms the nucleus of building skills and, ultimately, autonomy. The research shows that internal motivation contributes to optimal problem-solving and performance; understanding what to do and how to do it (e.g., developing a new skill) combined with feeling competent leads to more internal motivation. It's a powerful loop that can be the positive engine of skill development as a part of healthy child development.
Our job is to allow our children to do for themselves (with scaffolding, meaning pushing a bit on what they can already do to keep building skills, but expectations need to match readiness.) so they can build this competence. This entails letting them make mistakes and tolerating the discomfort we feel if and when they fail, or we risk failing them in the long term.
Relatedness
Relatedness represents perhaps the most psychologically profound part of the human experience: to feel like we belong. This sense of belongingness has been heralded as both central to well-being and some of the most serious problems when it is missing (e.g., gang involvement, depression, violence).
When it comes to the parent-child relationship, viewed as the foundation of future relationships, parents first build that sense of belonging and connection in our homes. Children who feel accepted by their parents and belong in their families have been shown to be more resilient to stress in general and more well-adjusted.
A majority of us have the intention to create close, trusting, and safe relationships with our children; however, it's not something that magically blossoms with a sprinkling of fairy dust. It's a lot of work in the day-to-day reality of parenting, but it's completely worth it when we realize how critical it is to our child's optimal growth and health.
In fact, relatedness must exist for the rest to happen. Strong, connected relationships allow a child to develop their sense of self safely. As their primary "socializing agents," we can use strategies daily that facilitate both autonomy and competence for our children's long-term growth.
Crystal Ball
Look into the future and just imagine your children doing their own laundry, cooking the family dinner, remembering to bring everything they need to school, packing their luggage for vacation, and telling you how they resolved an argument with their best friend. Imagine the relief of the pressure on you to do and think and remember all things and the pride of watching your child take charge of their life, one developmental step at a time.
Now imagine that as this self-sufficiency unfolds under the umbrella of an autonomy-supportive home environment, what is transpiring transcends the daily grind becoming easier: Your child is figuring out their authentic self, who they want to be in the world on their terms. They are developing independence and autonomy to last a lifetime.
Parts of this article were excerpted from my book, Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children.
References
Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American psychologist, 55(1), 68.
Deci, E. L., & Flaste, R. (1996). Why we do what we do: Understanding self-motivation. Penguin books London.
Chen, B., Vansteenkiste, M., Beyers, W., Boone, L., Deci, E. L., Van der Kaap-Deeder, J. et al. (2015). Basic psychological need satisfaction, need frustration, and need strength across four cultures. Motivation and emotion, 39(2), 216-236.
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