Most people would agree that teenagers are extremely emotional and quite difficult to deal with because they are learning to think abstractly, and their biology is changing rapidly as well. In other words, teenagers are prone to overreacting to everything because of developmental growth. Most confusingly, teens must have an immediate answer to questions such as: “Does my outfit fit in with what the other kids are wearing? Do I have the right car? Is my boyfriend or girlfriend cool enough? How embarrassing is my family?”
Nothing—no idea, feeling, or thought—is left subjectively or personally unevaluated. So, it is not surprising that the unknown journey to college creates anxiety and stress. I always wonder what specific problems or insecurities the college-bound teenager is confronting. Are they worried about friendships, sexual encounters, or their grades? There is a certain quality concerning college obsessions that is more intense than other normal teenage obsessions.
Having lived through college stress syndrome many times with my own children and with other teenagers who asked for help with their applications and adjustment to college life, I know that confusion and trauma disrupt a teenager’s state of mind and the family’s peace. Sometimes, it feels like reality and rationality are being questioned endlessly, even though careful attention to the correct college to apply to has been thought out. Cost, the quality of curriculum and instructors, distance from home, and other practical details have been factored into the choice of where to apply. But when the acceptances are mailed to the homes of waiting students there is sure to be some serious drama over the results. “Why did my best friend get into a better college than me? I don’t like where I got accepted. I won’t go to college. I can’t go without a car. I will be too far from my boyfriend or girlfriend. College will be too hard for me.” I could go on about possible teenage negativity, but you get my point.
Clearly, when teenagers go off to college, emotional problems that are often based upon separation anxiety flare up for the student leaving home, along with their parents. It is strange because so much effort, or too much effort, has been put into the applications. But separation stress often is behind the drama of acceptance to the right school. I believe that separation anxiety is 70 percent of the emotionality that families have to face. Parents and teenagers suffer consciously and unconsciously about the distance that will separate them. “Will my son or daughter be able to take care of the life skills that being away from home requires? How will any cooking and cleaning get started and finished? Will their new friendships be healthy?”
“Will Mom and Dad miss me and feel lonely? Will I miss my family? Who will look after my dog and look over my homework? Will new teachers be kind and caring?”
The answers to these questions will be known in time. But my best advice is to be positive that the problems that arise will be worked on and solved. Encouraging anxiety does not work out for the best with teenagers. I am not suggesting that you shrug off your child’s concerns, but don’t take them too seriously. I have found with my own children and other teenagers and their parents who seek my advice that being calm and practical and not giving in to unreasonable demands works well. For example, a self-conscious teenager decided that her nose was too big and begged her parents for a trip to the plastic surgeon, which was provided. The parents did not spread their concerns (to grandparents, etc.) about the possibility of surgery, which was helpful. Not overly reacting and calmly talking to parents and friends helped this teen think more clearly about the consequences. This potential disaster, both physical and financial, was abated without too much drama.
It helps to plan for different kinds of drama. Even quiet kids who are good at hiding their emotions get caught in fear about starting college. Kids who try to keep their anxiety to themselves will usually let their parents, family, and close friends know that they are suffering. Showing the campus to your teen will really help. Going over different needs such as clothes, electronics, transportation, home visits, friend visits, and some spending money will really focus their mind. Remember, unspoken anxiety is still anxiety and should be discussed.
Here are some coping strategies for teens and their parents, which should be created together to encourage respect and understanding.
1. Prepare yourself that no matter how hard you try to be organized some problem will come up that you did not expect. Do not assign blame to yourself, your teenager, or any other potential problem-maker. Take an open-minded approach.
2. Establish a way to solve problems before they arise. For example, emergency phone numbers and when they can be used are necessary and effective.
3. A list of emergency agencies that are not personally related to you but who will be able to help your teen.
4. Regular phone times to keep connected to your teen. This contact is so important to reduce unnecessary confusion and to maintain a supportive family relationship.
5. Make time for home and school visits and keep to the schedule. Home time together is very important to stabilize your teenager’s focus on school. When parents see what their teenager is actually experiencing, they can come up with good ideas to make their son or daughter’s life more fulfilling.
Why Drama Is So Prominent When Your Teenager Goes to College
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01.05.2024
Most people would agree that teenagers are extremely emotional and quite difficult to deal with because they are learning to think abstractly, and their biology is changing rapidly as well. In other words, teenagers are prone to overreacting to everything because of developmental growth. Most confusingly, teens must have an immediate answer to questions such as: “Does my outfit fit in with what the other kids are wearing? Do I have the right car? Is my boyfriend or girlfriend cool enough? How embarrassing is my family?”
Nothing—no idea, feeling, or thought—is left subjectively or personally unevaluated. So, it is not surprising that the unknown journey to college creates anxiety and stress. I always wonder what specific problems or insecurities the college-bound teenager is confronting. Are they worried about friendships, sexual encounters, or their grades? There is a certain quality concerning college obsessions that is more intense than other normal teenage obsessions.
Having lived through college stress syndrome many times with my own children and with other teenagers who asked for help with their applications and adjustment to college life, I know that confusion and trauma disrupt a teenager’s state of mind and the family’s peace. Sometimes, it feels like reality and rationality are being questioned endlessly,........
© Psychology Today
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