If you’re married long enough, you start to ask yourself certain questions about how your marriage is going. For example, does my heart still skip a beat every time I get near my one and only or is that actually cardiac arrhythmia? Does the very sight and sound of my beloved still take my breath away or should I see a pulmonologist?
Such questions abound. Has my wife stolen my heart and, if so, will she remember to put it back? Does she still melt my heart or is the bedroom thermostat turned up too high? Is her heart still in the right place or should it move to a location with lower property taxes?
And then it hit me: it was time to take all the guesswork out of our marriage. So I developed an app.
As it happens, I’m big on metrics. Show me the data, I always say, even in my personal life. That’s why I track almost everything measurable in my life — how often my friends pay for lunch, say, and how many times per hour my wife gives me a dirty look that makes my blood run cold.
What, then, could better meet my marital needs than an app? Why leave affairs of the heart to anything as notoriously unreliable as primal emotion? Let’s face it: biological intuition, so subject to random human error, is too primitive for our purposes. Why bother trying to get in touch with my innermost feelings if I can get intel that goes by numbers instead?
Hence, my decision to devise an app that would address all my key questions. How likely, for example, are my wife and I to get back on speaking terms after giving each other a cold shoulder ever since the second Reagan administration? Is the jury still out on our marriage — and if so, how soon is a verdict expected? Was our decision to marry the best of our lives or does that very question leave us doubled over and gasping with hysterical laughter?
My app is designed to detect the most revealing patterns and telling trends about our lives together. It features a proprietary compatibility algorithm sensitive enough to quantify the quality of our marital relationship right down to the last decimal point.
I know: you want hardcore specifics. So let’s say I suspect my wife’s patience with me is wearing thin. Now, with the flick of a finger, I can find out how thin — and, better still, how much thinner — by the millimeter — than last month, not to mention the projected outlook, courtesy of predictive analytics, for its diameter next month.
Or suppose I’m curious about such variables as whether my wife still respects and trusts me. Now, at merely a tap of the screen, I can get a read on how her respect and trust for me have declined, respectively, 37% and 54% year over year. And what is the probability, after 44 years of wedlock, two children and two grandchildren, that our love for each other still even has a pulse? The answers will conveniently pop right into view.
At last, thanks to this miraculous app — with digital graphs, charts and diagrams illustrating the empirically objective reality — I can finally get, instantaneously, an up-to-the-minute update on the status of my life with my blessed soulmate. The truth is just a click away.
Consider the advantages of this approach. Never again will my wife and I have to talk anything out. We could ditch all those face-to-face confrontations that produced nothing but toxic acrimony and burned a hole the size of a golf ball in my pancreas. Now, if my wife accuses me of any wrongdoing, I can simply reply, “Where’s the data for that?”
Most promising, my app will counsel me strategically in how best to accelerate the most positive trends and reverse all the negative ones. Already, in just the last week alone, my appreciation for my wife has increased a staggering 71%. Yes, folks, my app has my back.
And now this app can be yours! An angel investor — thrice-divorced, ironically enough — has stepped up to fund my venture.
So if you’re worried your wife plans to poison you in your sleep, no problem. Now you’ll be equipped to ascertain the truth with absolute clinical certainty.
From now on keeping tabs on your lives as a twosome will be so simple. All you’ll ever have to do is look at your phone.
Brody, a consultant and essayist, is author of the memoir “Playing Catch with Strangers: A Family Guy (Reluctantly) Comes of Age.”
How an app is saving our marriage
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15.02.2024
If you’re married long enough, you start to ask yourself certain questions about how your marriage is going. For example, does my heart still skip a beat every time I get near my one and only or is that actually cardiac arrhythmia? Does the very sight and sound of my beloved still take my breath away or should I see a pulmonologist?
Such questions abound. Has my wife stolen my heart and, if so, will she remember to put it back? Does she still melt my heart or is the bedroom thermostat turned up too high? Is her heart still in the right place or should it move to a location with lower property taxes?
And then it hit me: it was time to take all the guesswork out of our marriage. So I developed an app.
As it happens, I’m big on metrics. Show me the data, I always say, even in my personal life. That’s why I track almost everything measurable in my life — how often my friends pay for lunch, say, and how many times per hour my wife gives me a dirty look that makes my blood run cold.
What, then, could better meet my marital needs than........
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