Love, in the words of Shakespeare’s Romeo “is too rough, too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn”. In some cases, it is all-consuming. Suffocating. Even painful. But unrequited love? That’s in another ballpark entirely.
For all the terrifying, life-altering trials we tend to face as humans, there’s something uniquely lonely and agonising about bearing your soul to someone who doesn’t quite feel the same way. Especially when that someone is a friend.
Comedian Jerrod Carmichael (known for his work in Poor Things, The Carmichael Show and hosting the 2023 Golden Globes) is, apparently, incredibly well acquainted with that feeling. As part of his HBO docu-series Jerrod Carmichael Reality Show, he treats viewers to a front-row seat to that toe-curling scenario. Reiterating his romantic feelings for rapper and longtime friend, Tyler, the Creator, a year after being rejected, we watch it, pregnant pauses and all, play out in excruciating detail. Just a guy, sitting in front of a guy, asking him to love him – and finding the object of his affection far more interested in the takeaway he had ordered prior to the confession.
It’s a hard watch for a reason. Many of us, for better or worse, have been there. We’ve let romantic comedies and literary classics tell us that our bravery will be rewarded, that telling the truth will set us free, even if we don’t get the responses we so desperately want. And then we experience the consequences of that bravery in reality – and it feels like shit.
I say this as someone who has historically been a coward in matters of romance. As a preteen and teen, I nursed my shattered heart through countless crushes on friends – crushes that, back then, felt like love. On the odd occasion that I found myself in similar positions in my early twenties, I told myself these friendships were far too important to jeopardise with my intense, unsolicited romantic feelings. That I was virtuous for keeping the extent of my desires to myself. That I was putting their feelings first. But in truth, I was terrified about subjecting myself to the embarrassment of letting someone know I wanted them when they didn’t want me back.
Sometimes, I wonder what might have been if I’d taken the plunge. Not because I pine after any of those former flames – I’m currently in an incredibly loving relationship, and doubt the people we’ve grown into would be in any way compatible – but because I’ve seen first-hand the beauty that can emerge from two friends saying “F*** it, let’s give it a go”.
I’ve watched on the sidelines as best friends have bravely opened up their hearts without expectation, only to find themselves in the throes of the healthiest and most fulfilling relationships they’ve ever experienced years down the line. I’ve seen people dip their toes in lightly, realise it’s not for them, and rebuild their original, platonic relationships with stronger foundations. I’ve even seen friends go from mates, to lovers to fierce enemies who, when asked, wouldn’t change a thing about “going there”. When asked why they felt no regret, the response has always been: “I would have always been curious. Now I can move on with my life.”
Although many would advise against telling a friend you love them for fear of ruining it, I still admire that sense of courage. Going after the things you want with no guarantee that you’ll succeed may seem ridiculous to the pragmatists among us but, to the dreamers and the delusional – even just the self-assured – it’s that final bit of assurance that things either were or weren’t meant to be.
As I’ve gotten older, that debilitatingly self-conscious approach to dating has thankfully given way to a quiet confidence in myself. Through therapy, maturation, whatever, I have somehow, thankfully, learned that it really isn’t the end of the world – though it may feel like it – to face rejection.
Had my partner been a friend of mine, rather than a summer dating app flame who I knew was interested from the moment we met, I sincerely hope I wouldn’t be as cowardly about sharing my feelings as I have been in the past. In that alternate universe, I would know for sure, even if it wasn’t in the cards, that I did all I could to be honest with myself. That sort of fearlessness is worth celebrating. Sometimes our love lives go tits up. It’s what we learn about ourselves in the process that truly matters.
I regret not telling my friend I'd fallen for them - but not for the reasons you'd think
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16.04.2024
Love, in the words of Shakespeare’s Romeo “is too rough, too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn”. In some cases, it is all-consuming. Suffocating. Even painful. But unrequited love? That’s in another ballpark entirely.
For all the terrifying, life-altering trials we tend to face as humans, there’s something uniquely lonely and agonising about bearing your soul to someone who doesn’t quite feel the same way. Especially when that someone is a friend.
Comedian Jerrod Carmichael (known for his work in Poor Things, The Carmichael Show and hosting the 2023 Golden Globes) is, apparently, incredibly well acquainted with that feeling. As part of his HBO docu-series Jerrod Carmichael Reality Show, he treats viewers to a front-row seat to that toe-curling scenario. Reiterating his romantic feelings for rapper and longtime friend, Tyler, the Creator, a year after being rejected, we watch it, pregnant pauses and all, play out in excruciating detail. Just a guy, sitting in front of a guy, asking him to love him – and finding the object of his affection far more........
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