According to a YouGov survey, only 16 per cent of Brits are planning on making a New Year’s Resolution this year. That’s a lot lower than I would have expected, but then again, if Robert Burns (not to mention the last four years) have taught us anything, it’s that “the best laid schemes o’ Mice an’ Men / Gang aft agley”.
When it comes to the kinds of things people are resolving to do in 2024, there aren’t many surprises there. The top 10 are improving fitness, losing weight, eating better, spending less time on social media, pursuing a new career, spending more time with loved ones, taking up a new hobby, home renovations, and doing more charity work. All noble endeavours to be sure, and if I could manage to achieve even one of those things, I would consider myself to be a better person.
But I did find myself wondering why anyone isn’t resolving to have better sex in 2024? Sex didn’t even make the list! Sure, you might be happier, healthier, and all muscled up by next December, but what is the point of having an ass so taut you can bounce pennies off it if you’re not factoring good sex into that somewhere?
In fact, resolving to have good sex could help you achieve a fair few of the other resolutions. It might not motivate you to renovate your home or do charity work, but it could definitely help you lose weight, tone up, and spend less time on social media. And I would certainly class it as a worthwhile hobby. Maybe that says more about my value system than yours, but I still think “have better sex” is a worthwhile New Year’s resolution, and I am going to make it mine.
Notice how I said, “better sex”, not “more sex”? Good – because that bit is important. This is quality over quantity, and I am talking specifically about the kind of sex women are having.
The question then arises: how am I going to have better sex? I am going to do something women (especially heterosexual women) are not good at doing: I am going to prioritise my own pleasure. I am going to put my orgasm and enjoyment front and centre of any sexual encounter I have. This does not mean being a selfish lover, far from it. This means not settling for anything less than a damn good time all round. Women, when it comes to sex, 2024 is the year to engage “riot mode” and make sure you get yours.
The orgasm gap in heterosexual sex is depressingly real and I am convinced it is down to women not feeling able to speak up and centre their own pleasure. There is no doubt that we are living in a highly sexualised society. Sex is everywhere, but that doesn’t mean that good sex is everywhere. Sexual pleasure is far from equal.
A 2008 study found that 91 per cent of men reported “usually or always experiencing orgasm in partnered sex,” compared with only 39 per cent of women. A 2010 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine surveyed 3,990 sexually active adults aged 18–59 and found that 91 per cent of the men reported orgasming the last time they had sex with a partner, compared with only 64 per cent of the women.
Researchers from the Archives of Sexual Behaviour assessed the sex lives of more than 52,500 adult Americans and found that the group most likely to always orgasm during sex were heterosexual men. Ninety-five per cent said they usually or always climax, while only 65 per cent of heterosexual women said they usually or always orgasm – the lowest of all of the demographics studied.
Why should this be the case? There is absolutely no evidence whatsoever in the literature to support the idea that women just find it harder to climax than men. This idea has been thoroughly and repeatedly debunked. If you need proof, then look no further than women who have sex with other women, who manage to orgasm 86 per cent of the time they do the deed. Most women masturbate and can get themselves off 94 per cent of the time, and can do so within a few minutes.
The issue is not physical, it is social. Women’s orgasms are framed as work, whereas men’s orgasms are a foregone conclusion. All too often, the male orgasm is understood as the big finale that signals the end of sex. Just where was it written that you don’t get an orgasm just because he went over like a warm pan of milk?
Our entire understanding of heterosexual sex is geared towards men’s pleasure and not women’s. We allow the appearance of an erection to signal the start of sex and ejaculation to be the end of it. And I for one am not taking this anymore. I want an orgasm! I want lots of them and if I am with a partner who has orgasmed before I have, then that’s only half-time, buddy. You’ve got some work to do.
I put it to you – it is not difficult to make a woman orgasm. But it is difficult to make a woman orgasm if all you are doing is sticking a penis into her vagina and waggling it around a bit. Most cis women need the clitoris to be on the guest list if they are going to the orgasm party. I can’t speak for anyone else’s masturbation technique, but there can’t be many of us out there who are getting ourselves off just by ramming a dildo in and out, can there?
Research carried out by Durex found that three out of four women said they can’t achieve orgasm during sex, while 30 per cent of men said they thought the best way to help a woman orgasm is through penetrative sex.
Change starts with women advocating for their right to equal sexual pleasure.
In 2024, you need to enter your sexual villain era. We are no longer faking it in the bedroom, and I don’t just mean the orgasm. At least 55 per cent of women admitted to having faked an orgasm at least once, but I would be willing to bet good money that many, many more are out there, faking their entire sex lives.
If only 39 per cent of cis women are orgasming in heterosexual sex, that means 61 per cent of women are not, i.e. most of us. I know an orgasm isn’t the be-all and end-all of pleasure, but 61 per cent?
Men: imagine going into a sexual encounter and knowing there was a 61 per cent chance you were not going to orgasm. Would you put up with that?
The really sad thing is that if you are putting someone else’s orgasm before your own, you’re effectively allowing someone to masturbate into you. Your body is not someone else’s sex toy. It’s time to claim it back.
If you need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, do not pretend that you are happy with being banged like an empty bottle of tomato sauce. Be prepared to take your favourite sex toy to a hookup. Straight up ask if he will go down on you if that’s what you need. If you’re dealing with someone who expects a blowjob but refuses to return the favour, get rid of him. Immediately. Once every so often, someone sends me a link to a podcast featuring a man bleating on about how “emasculating” it is to give oral sex to a woman. We need to change this script.
If you won’t make your partner orgasm, you’re not manly – you’re just crap in bed.
Centring your own sexual pleasure is not an easy thing to do. It means unpicking the sexual scripts we have all been raised on, and that’s difficult. It is easier to pretend you don’t need an orgasm when you would actually really like one. It is difficult to tell someone that you need more than they are offering, but sex is a really powerful space to advocate for your own pleasure and needs, rather than someone else’s.
I have never been able to keep a New Year’s Resolution before, but I am hopeful I will keep this one. Even if I don’t succeed every single time, I think being mindful of speaking up for your own pleasure has to be a good thing.
So sod the diets and the gym memberships, 2024 is the year I get mine, every single time.
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