As the weeks go past, surgery is becoming a memory.
The headaches still hit me hard, mind you – as does the fatigue.
Sometimes I find myself sleeping close to 20 hours.
But I am motivated to start back in the gym and start building my strength so I can get outside and make the most of life.
For now, though, my lower back is making standing almost impossible.
This is incredibly frustrating for me since – as I have previously mentioned – I believe this is the result of a surgical mistake in 2016.
I feel it is holding me back more than my latest surgery.
While I’ve been getting more frustrated with my body not working, I got a dose of perspective this week.
It gave me an overwhelming experience of gratitude that I guess calmed my levels of frustration.
The first portion of perspective came from my first oncology meeting this week and the doctor explaining different treatment options to me.
I had my mind fixed on travelling to Germany for something known as carbon ion therapy. That was until Germany refused to treat me but never gave an explanation.
The not knowing why was agony as I am trying everything to fight for my life.
But this week I would get my answer.
Simply put, any form of proton or carbon ion delivered to my tumour could result in death.
This is due to the tumour’s location and the amount of surgeries I have had.
The way these beams deliver the particles would now be extremely risky.
As frustrating as this was, at least it gives me closure on months of emails to Germany.
Sometimes I feel that at every corner I turn, I am met with a massive brick wall knocking me down.
I guess my athlete mindset is to not focus on the problem but to find a solution.
Leaving the oncology meeting left me feeling slightly flat but also gave me more perspective on how lucky I am to still be alive.
I can’t escape the thought of “What if I had got radiotherapy back in 2014?”
My oncologist has confirmed that radiotherapy has played a big part in me being tumour free for so long and if I had got it in 2014 I would certainly not be paralysed or be on surgery No.7.
Knowing this hurts – but I can’t change what has happened.
I can only look forward to possible new treatments coming to market that will hopefully give me more time.
After oncology it was time to go back to Queen Square for another CT scan and visit what I now call the waiting room of perspective.
Stepping into this part of the
hospital you meet people on each stage of their journey.
From the lady who was there for her first scan to someone coming straight from brain surgery, it is a very humbling experience.
As I sat in the waiting room waiting for my name to be called, I started a conversation with a man sitting
opposite me.
He was waiting for his wife who had a stroke whilst out running, followed by a major one in hospital leaving her with similar paralysis to mine on one side.
If that wasn’t enough, she was then diagnosed with cancer.
I could tell from the way her husband spoke she was a fighter and as he showed me videos of her trying to ski again, I felt like I was looking at myself in the video.
There it was, the human spirit at its strongest.
This was not a famous sports star, just a normal lady fighting with every inch of her body to regain some
function so she could do the things she loved before finding herself on this path.
It wasn’t long till my name was called and here I was – back lying in a scanning machine.
It always makes me smile when I go in and they ask if this is my first time.
“I wish it was, but it’s my 14th year new.”
The nice thing about a CT scan is it makes no noise and is over much faster than my MRI scans.
Thankfully that is me now scanner free until January 5.
As I was leaving there was a young girl being pushed in for a scan post-surgery with what looked like major brain surgery.
Her eyes were closed with bandages over her head, our paths crossing for just a second, but I could feel her pain.
After a long Uber home that evening, I am hoping my lower back pain will ease off.
All going well I can get into the gym this weekend and use the motivation to live as my fuel.
login
who are we?
contact us
qosheapp
Toi Staff
Gideon Levy
Belen Fernandez
Andrew Mitrovica
Mort Laitner
Rami G Khouri
Ali Fathollah-Nejad
Nikkei Editorial
visit website
