WASHINGTON — The following document was obtained from sources close to God. Translated from the original Aramaic, it is a transcript of the final exit interview before Cat was loosed upon the world.
Cat: I have some demands.
God: That is not how it worketh, Cat.
Cat: I shall scratch their bellies and draw blood.
Cat: I shall do it a lot.
God: I sayeth, fine.
Cat: I shall use my claws to communicate “no,” “yes,” “thank you,” “I’m bored” and “I love you.”
Cat: I shall be doing some indiscriminate biting of bare feet.
God: That is strictly prohibited.
Cat: Freelance biting, then. Also, I am a lion.
God: Thou art a cat. Thou art not much larger than a baked potato.
God: (Laughter.) Was that supposed to be a roar? Oooh, oooh, I am so afraid!
Cat: I am immune to mockery.
God: Are we done here?
Cat: I will say “Let there be light,” and there will be light!
God: That is taken care of already, Cat. Instead, I shall give you the power to cure cancer in those who care for you. You may exercise this.....